Mother Wounds: Can A Man Have The Need To Keep Women At A Distance If He Had A Neglectful Mother?

Although a man can need to keep women at bay, it doesn’t mean that he will be consciously aware of this. As a result, it can seem as though someone or something ‘out there’ is simply holding him back.

If he is in this position, this area of his life is not going to be very fulfilling. So, what can be normal is for him to continually end up with women who are emotionally unavailable.

One Scenario

When he has met a woman, then, she might have created the impression that she was available, but, as time passed, it will soon have become clear that this was not the case. Instead of being able to take things further, their time together might have soon come to an end.

Due to this, he might have ended up feeling frustrated and angry and perhaps helpless and hopeless. If so, at one point, he might have felt really good and at another really bad.

Fed Up

To have gone through this once will have been tough but if he has gone through this on more than one occasion, he could be at the point where he is not willing to allow himself to attach to another woman. This will be a way for him to stop himself from suffering anymore.

The downside of this approach is that his need to connect with a woman is not going to disappear. Thus, he is still going to experience pain but it won’t be as strong.

Another Scenario

However, there is also a chance that he hasn’t been able to get this far. This can mean that he hasn’t ever dated a woman let alone been able to form an attached to a woman who is not available.

Thanks to this, he won’t be angry and frustrated or feel helpless and hopeless when it comes to the experiences that he has had with a woman; he can feel this way about not having been with a woman. He might often think about whether he will ever be with a woman or if he will always be alone.
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Two Parts

Irrespective of the experiences that a man has or hasn’t had with women, along with believing that what is going on externally is the issue, he could often have moments when he believes that there is something inherently wrong with him. What can play a part in this is that he might have and continue to put in a lot of effort to become more attractive.

For example, he might workout, wear stylish clothes, have a well-paid job, and even be well-known. But, no matter what he has done, it won’t have had much of an impact on this area of his life.

A Natural Response

If he has moments when he believes that there is something wrong with him, this is not going to be a surprise. He will have been doing the right things but he won’t have been able to make much progress.

Nonetheless, although it can seem as though what is going on externally is the issue and perhaps that there is something wrong with him, there can be another reason why his life is this way. Deep down, he can have a fear of getting close to and forming a strong bond with a woman.

Two Levels

If he finds this hard to accept, what he will need to keep in mind is that he doesn’t begin and end with his conscious mind. In addition to this part of him, he also has an unconscious mind.

This part of him is hidden but it is far bigger and more impactful than his conscious mind. If he was to connect to what is taking place at this level, he may soon find that he doesn’t feel comfortable with more and that’s why he hasn’t been able to make much progress in this area of his life.

Why Is This?

Assuming that he was to realise this, he could wonder why developing a close bond with a woman doesn’t feel comfortable.  What this can show is that he wasn’t able to attach to and develop a close bond with his mother.

This may have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and unable to truly be there for him. Throughout this stage of his life, then, he would have been ignored, rejected, and even abandoned.

Two Parts

Not receiving the love that he needed would have deeply wounded him and stopped him from being able to grow and develop in the right way. To handle what was going on, his brain would have repressed the pain he was in and a number of his developmental needs.

Furthermore, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with him and that he was unlovable. His mother would have also provided him with an inner model of what women are like – the particular would have become the general.

The Outcome

Many, many years will have passed but, deep down, he will expect a woman to leave him, and keeping his distance will be a way to prevent this from taking place. Even so, another part of him will still be trying to receive the love that he missed out on, which will cause him to be pulled to women who are not available and will pull away.

As this part of him has no sense of time and can’t see clearly, it will see a woman as his mother and will struggle to receive what was not provided all those years ago. Yet, as another woman is not his mother, not to mention that this stage of his life is over, it will be too late to receive this love.

Moving Forward

The pain that he repressed will need to be faced and worked through and he will need to experience his unmet developmental needs. This will take courage, patience, and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk