Mother Wounds: Can A Man Put A Woman On A Pedestal If He Had An Emotionally Unavailable Mother?

What a man could find is that he has the inclination to elevate certain women. He might see that this is how he has been for as long as he can remember and that being this way is not serving him.

When he is drawn to a woman, then, he could see her as being a goddess and as being on a completely different level to the one that he is on. As a result of this, she is going to be more-than-human.

A Different Side

If he is in this woman’s company, he is likely to find that he is unable to behave how he usually behaves. It could be as though he loses himself and a very different version of him appears.

This can be a time when he will be very ‘nice’ and accommodating, being only too happy to bend over backswords for the woman and go the extra mile. What is clear is that, at this point, the woman will be the centre of his world.

The Next Stage

Now, if he was to end up taking things further with her, he could spend a lot of time thinking about her and be unable to concentrate on other areas of his life. Still, as she is now in his life, he could find that he feels alive and is full of life.

He might have felt a bit empty before but now he can feel whole and complete. It can be as if he was missing something and now he will have found what he was missing.

The Same Story

If he was to look back and think about how he has been with other women, he could find that this is nothing new. He will have felt that something was missing and this might not have been something that he was fully aware of and then this will have gradually changed.

And, while being with a woman may make it hard for him to concentrate, there is also the chance that he ends up performing far better than he usually does. This might be how he has been in the past too.

Self-Neglect

If he is focused on her needs when he is around her, it is likely to mean that a number of his own needs will end up being overlooked. His focus will be on doing what he can to please her, not to make sure that he takes care of himself.

But, even though this will be taking place as he is so focused on her needs, it might not occur to him. Sooner or later, though, the woman he has elevated could come crashing down from the pedestal he has put her on.

One Outcome

In the beginning, she might have appreciated being treated like a goddess from another world but, as time has passed, she might have got fed up with it. That’s not to say that she won’t have wanted to be respected and appreciated but this will be radically different to how she was treated.

Ultimately, she will have wanted to be with a man who treated her like a normal human being. In other words, she will want to be with a man, not a boy who treats her like his mother.

A Big Fall

The outcome of this is that she can end up cutting her ties with him and this can be a time when he is utterly devastated. He can feel deeply rejected and abandoned and it might feel as though his life is going to come to an end.
Another part of this is that he can end up experiencing a fair amount of anger, rage and even hate towards the woman he was with. He could feel betrayed by her and totally hopeless and helpless.

What’s going on?

If he is able to see that he has the inclination to put certain women on a pedestal and feels high and then goes through an emotional hell a little while after and hits rock bottom, he could wonder why he experiences life in this way. He could struggle to understand why he is unable to feel whole and complete and why he can’t just see certain women as fellow human beings.

What this may show is that his early years were not very nurturing, with this being a time when his mother was unable to provide him with the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. Due to her own wounds, she might not have been able to be there for him and truly love him.

Deeply Deprived

Right from the start of his life, so from his infancy, he might have often been neglected and when he was given attention, it might have largely been misattuned care. This would have meant that he was often abandoned and he wouldn’t have been able to experience an emotional birth.

He would then have been born in an emotionally empty and incomplete state and as he didn’t receive the nutrients that he needed, he would have stayed this way. But, although he missed out on what he needed, his need for a loving and caring mother won’t have disappeared.

Covered Up

To handle the pain that he would have experienced his brain would have automatically repressed how he felt. Another part of this is that his developmental needs would have also been repressed.

Therefore, many, many years will have passed but the parts of him that were split off and ended up being submerged in his unconscious mind will still be trying to receive what wasn’t provided all those years ago. This will take place by unconsciously seeing certain women as his mother and then hoping that these women will finally give him what he missed out on.

It’s over

This part of him has no sense of time and is unable to see clearly and this is why it won’t be able to see that this stage of his life is over and that other women are not his mother. To put an end to what is going on, he will probably need to face and work through the pain that he experienced all those years ago.

By doing this, he will gradually be able to grow out of his need for a mother and to truly put this stage of his life behind him. This is a process that will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he might need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk