Mother Wounds: Can A Man Put Women On A Pedestal If He Had An Emotionally Unavailable Mother?

Even though women are imperfect human beings, not gods, it doesn’t mean that a man will realise this. In general, he could have the tendency to treat women as though they are from another realm.

Or to be more accurate, this can be how he often treats the women that he is attracted to and shares his life with. Thanks to this, these women will be at one level and he will be at another level.

Out of Balance

So, when he is seeing or is in a relationship with a woman, he could focus on her needs. As a result of this, a number of his needs are going to be overlooked.

This will mean that his priority will be to do what he can to please her. But, although he will be neglecting himself, he could feel so happy and grateful that he is with her that he might not realise what is going on.

One Focus

When he is not with her, he could spend a lot of time thinking about how amazing she is. This could make it hard for him to concentrate on other areas of his life and he might not perform as well at work.

Then again, he might be able to put her to one side in his mind and he could perform even better than normal at work. If this takes place, when he is not with a woman, he could feel very low and even depressed.

The Other Side

At first, the woman could appreciate all the attention that he gives her and what he does for her. He could buy her a lot of things and pay for just about everything when they go out.

However, as time passes, she could start to feel repelled by how he behaves and feel a strong need to be with a man who treats her like a human being. She could find him to be too needy and feel smothered by him.

Another Outcome

At this point, she could end up cutting her ties with him. Conversely, she could decide to keep him in her life because of what he provides her.

If this was to take place, it could show that she sees men and perhaps people in general as an extension of herself and purely exists to meet her needs. This is likely to show that she is developmentally stunted and is not in a good mentally or emotionally.

The Fall Out

Now, if she was to cut her ties with him, he could end up falling into a very deep emotional hole.  It could be as if his life has come to an end and there is no reason for him to be alive.

At the same time, before this happens, he could end up finding another woman to idolise. This will stop him from falling into a deep hole but it might not be long until he ends up in the same position and is unable to avoid how he feels.

A Different Experience

If, on the other hand, the woman doesn’t cut her ties with him and ends up using him, his opinion of her could gradually change. Instead of seeing her as a perfect being, he could see her as the worst person on the planet.

Consequently, he can experience a lot of anger, rage and even hate towards her. Due to this, it might not be long until he cuts his ties with her and he could come to the conclusion that all women are out to use men.

Stepping Back

After a man has been with a number of women who have cut their ties with him before long and/or who have used him, he could decide to take a break from women. By taking a break, he could reflect on this area of his life and start to wonder why it is this way.

He could see that he doesn’t value himself when it comes to women or believe that a woman could love him. Therefore, as opposed to being a man who is in touch with his value and knows that he is lovable, he will be like a needy child who desperately needs his mother’s attention and approval in order to feel whole and complete.

What’s going on?

What this may show is that his early years were a time when he missed out on the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. His mother might have been emotionally unavailable, which would have prevented her from being able to attune to his needs and consistently provide him with what he needed.

It would then have been normal for him to be rejected and abandoned and to feel ignored, unwanted, helpless, hopeless, worthless and unloved. To handle what was going on, the pain that he was in and a number of his development needs would have been repressed.

The Meaning

His mother was probably deprived of the love that she needed during her formative years and this then stopped her from being able to love him, but, as he was egocentric, he would have personalised what took place. He would then have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with him and that he was unlovable.

The years will have passed but he would have continued to feel the same deep down, with this being the reason why he elevates women. What is going on at this level of his consciousness will cause him to project his mother onto women and this will cause him to struggle to receive the love that he missed out on all those years ago.

It’s Over

But, as this stage of his life is over, not to mention that the women he ends up with won’t be his mother, it will be too late for him to meet his unmet development needs. So, as with this stage of his life, he will be looking for something that is not available, and, when it becomes clear that these needs won’t be met, along with his adult needs, he will experience the anger, rage and hate that he would have experienced as a child.

For him to put this stage of his life behind him, he is likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through. This will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk