Mother Wounds: Can A Man Reject His Need To Be With A Woman If His Mother Was Emotionally Unavailable?

In general, a man might be out of touch with his need to be with a woman. Thus, he won’t be aware of his need for emotional closeness and support, affection, or sex.

This can mean that he will spend a lot of time in his head and very little time in his body. The reason for this is that these needs will be found in his body, not his head.

Another Part

Still, there could be moments when these needs end up entering his conscious awareness. During this time, he could end up feeling incredibly needy and end up trying to meet these needs.

Then again, this could be a time when he has a very strong need to have sex. If so, what this is likely to show is that along with his need to have sex, a number of his emotional needs have become sexualised.

A Different Form

What this illustrates is that his sex drive can be influenced by other factors and is not purely a consequence of his need to have sex. When this is the case, having sex with allow him to release the tension that has built up as a result of him not meeting his other needs.

After a while, though, this tension will build up again as these needs will continue to be ignored. He can then go through the same experience, with this being something that will take place for many years.

Another Scenario

If he doesn’t go down this route and has the need to date or to be in a relationship, he could join an app and/or go somewhere where he might be able to meet a woman. Now, assuming that he was to soon meet a woman who he is attracted to and is attracted to him and things were to go further, it might not be long until he starts to experience frustration.

For example, the woman that he is with could end up pulling away and seldom if ever being available. Along with this, when they are together, she could be unresponsive, distant, and critical.

Conflict

If things started on the right foot, then, it wouldn’t have been long until the connection that they had started to crumble. Instead of two people getting on and working together, with their being conflict from time to time; there will be complete and utter disharmony.

Due to this, in addition to feeling frustrated, he can feel angry and enraged, and feel helpless, hopeless, and ashamed. He could soon decide to cut his ties with the woman and go back to how he was before.

A Different Reality

What this will probably do is allow him to start to settle down and gradually feel better about himself. To use an analogy; it will be as if he was under attack and one point and now he will be out of harm’s way.

However, what this won’t do is allow him to meet a number of his needs. But, before long, these needs could be pushed out of his conscious awareness and he could go back to focusing on other things.

A Common Occurrence

If he were to take a step back at this point, he could find that this is something that he has been through on a number of occasions. He could see that he either denies these needs or they end up being sexualised, or he connects with a woman and doesn’t feel valued or loved.

It might then seem as though the only way for him to not be taken advantage of and to feel like he is a burden and is nothing is to carry on denying these needs. Yet, he could also see that living in this way is not very fulfilling and as he can’t avoid these needs forever and they will impact his life, this approach is not the answer.

What’s going on?

Taking into account the disharmonious relationship that he has with his needs and how unpleasant his experiences with women have been throughout his life, there is a chance that his early years were not very maturing. This may have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and unable to provide him with the love that he needed.

Practically from the moment that he was born, he might have often been left and when he did receive care, it might have largely been missatuned care. Not being able to attach to and bond with his mother and have his needs met on a consistent basis would have deeply wounded and deprived him.

The Outcome

As he went from an infant to a toddler and then a child, his mother might have continued to be out of reach. He would have experienced more pain and continued to be deprived in the process.

So, right from the beginning of his life, he would have felt frustrated, angry and enraged, and, helpless, hopeless, ashamed, and deeply hurt. And, as he was egocentric, he would have come to associate his needs and himself as being bad.

An Adaption

To handle what was going on, his brain would have automatically repressed how he felt and a number of his developmental needs. This would have involved him leaving his body and being in his head.

Many, many years will have passed since this stage of his life, but he will be carrying the pain and the needs that were not met all those years ago. This inner material will play a part in why he unconsciously recreates experiences with women that are just as painful and depriving as the experiences that he had with his mother.
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Awareness
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If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk