Mother Wounds: Can A Man Resent His Desire For Women If He Had An Unavailable Mother?

If a man is attracted to women, it doesn’t mean that he will feel comfortable being this way. In this case, part of him will feel attracted to a woman and another part of him will experience resistance.

By being this way, he is going to experience a lot of conflict when it comes to this area of his life. To deal with the tension inside him, there could be moments when he disconnects from this need altogether.

Cut-Off

This is then going to be a time when his attention will be pulled away from women and end up being focused on other things. So, even if he was to see a woman who is his type, he might not feel attracted to her.

What this is likely to illustrate is that he has disconnected from his body, with this being the reason why he has lost touch with his desire for women. This could be something that has more or less automatically taken place as opposed to something that he has consciously chosen to do.

A Strong Urge

But, before long, he could see a woman who is his type and end up experiencing a strong compulsion to be with her. What has gone down will have come up, to so speak, and this will have taken place with incredible force.

If before he was in control of this desire, this will now be a time when this desire is in control of him. This will show that as effective as it is for him to disconnect from this desire, it won’t be possible for him to always do this.

Extreme Hunger

If this desire was compared to the desire for food, it could be as though he hasn’t eaten for over a week; that is how strong it could be. Along with feeling a strong craving to be with a woman, though, he can also feel hopeless and helpless and filled with frustration.

Therefore, while he will have a number of needs that he will want to meet, he won’t feel that he is able to fulfil these needs. And, before long, the part of him that doesn’t feel comfortable having this need is likely to dominate and suppress the part that wants to be with a woman.

Previous Experiences

Being this way may mean that he hasn’t been with a woman before, but, then again, this might not be so. He might have been with a number of women in the past, with most if not all of these being times when he felt deprived.

Perhaps at the beginning of a relationship, the woman was available but, as time went by, she ended up being distant and wasn’t really there for him. As a result of this, he might have experienced anger, rage and resentment and vowed to never go with a woman again.

Day-To-Day Life

Yet, regardless of whether he has or hasn’t been in at least one relationship, he could find that most women are aloof. He is then going to view women are beings that are typically out of his reach.

Meeting the needs that would be met if he was with a woman is then going to be a challenge and having these needs could be seen as a burden. There could be moments when he would be happy to renounce these needs, with this being seen as something that would allow him to be happier and more at peace.

What’s going on?

If he was able to step back from what is going on and reflect on how he experiences life, he might wonder why he doesn’t feel comfortable with this desire for women and part of him suppresses this need. Furthermore, he could wonder why, in his reality, women are typically distant and unavailable.

In all likelihood, he is experiencing life in this way due to the experiences that he had during his formative years. In general, his mother was probably unavailable throughout this stage of his life.

A Traumatic Time

Thanks to this, he would have been deprived of the nutrients that he needed in order to grow and develop in the right way. Seldom having his needs met would have caused him to experience a lot of pain that his brain would have automatically repressed and he would have disconnected from his needs and feelings – his true self.

Part of his ego structure would have been split off and part of this structure would do what it could to make sure that this part was kept under control. This wouldn’t have taken place to harm him; it would have taken place to stop him from expressing his needs and suffering.

Inner Model

He would have come to associate his needs as being something that will cause him to feel powerless and deeply frustrated and, thus, be overwhelmed with pain. This is how he is likely to have felt when he did express his needs as an infant, toddler and child, and this was a time when he was powerless.

Additionally, the experiences that he had with his mother would have formed his inner view of what women are like. The particular would then have become the general, and it wouldn’t have mattered that his mother didn’t represent all women.

A Continuation

Many, many years will have passed since his early years but he will still be carrying most if not all the pain that he experienced and the experiences that he has with some women will be very similar to the experiences that he had with his mother. Clearly, the women to who he is drawn are not his mother but, due to transference, he will unconsciously see them as his mother.

To feel comfortable with his needs and no longer deny this part of him and see women more clearly, he will have a lot of unmet developmental needs and pain to face. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk