Mother Wounds: Can A Man See His Needs As A Burden If He Had An Unavailable Mother?

What a man may find is that, in general, he is out of touch with a number of his needs. As a result of this, he could typically be aware of his physical needs but that could be about as far as it will go.

Therefore, his emotional needs are going to largely be overlooked and he might rarely even be aware of them. When it comes to these needs, it will relate to his need for love, intimacy, acceptance and attention, among other things.

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This may mean that he has the tendency to live in his head and is seldom connected to his body. Still, this is not to say that he consciously chooses to experience life in this way as it could just be what is normal.

If he was to look back on his life, he may see that he has been this way for as long as he can remember. He might even believe that he was simply born this way and that he will never change.

One Area

When it comes to his relationships, he might not be overly close to anyone; most of the people in his life could be more like associates. When he is with someone like this, he might share what he has been doing and talk about world affairs but that could be it.

As for his relationships with the opposite sex, he might not have been in an intimate relationship before. Or, if he has been in at least one relationship, this might not have been a very harmonious experience.

For Example

This may have been a time when he focused solely on the woman’s needs and ended up feeling drained before long. He would have given a lot, whilst receiving very little if anything in return.

Thanks to this, he could believe that this was a time when he was used and he might not be interested in having another relationship. Yet, even if this is the case, his need to connect to a woman won’t simply disappear.

Waiting Around

If he was to think about how he ended up in this relationship, he may find that he took the first step or the woman may have. Either way, he may find that it is a challenge for him to reach out to a woman to who he is attracted.

Consequently, when he is attracted to a woman, he is often likely to overlook how he feels and his needs. This can mean that he is used to feeling frustrated and helpless, and he could spend a lot of time feeling depressed.

A Painful Experience

If there have been moments when he has tried to connect to a woman he was drawn to, he might not have got very far. In most of these moments, he may have felt deeply rejected and worthless.

By having these experiences, he may do what he can to not only hide his needs from women but to hide them from himself. Not having these met will cause him pain but it won’t be as painful as it would be otherwise.

A Problem

When he thinks about some of his needs, he could see them as things that just weigh him down. He could believe that his life would be so much better if he no longer had needs or needs that could only be met with the help of another.

It will be clear that he won’t believe that it is possible for him to both have needs and to generally have them met. Quite simply, his needs will primarily be seen as a source of pain as opposed to a source of satisfaction.

What’s going on?

If he has been this way for as long as he can remember, he may be this way due to what took place during his developmental years. At this stage of his life, he may have been brought up by a mother who was emotionally unavailable.

He would then have been left and when he was given attention, it would have been missatuned care. Not having his needs met would have been deeply painful and receiving the wrong care would have also been painful.

The Outcome

He would have come to believe that his needs were bad and he would have had to disconnect from them to survive. Being aware of and trying to fulfil his needs would have been too painful.

This would have happened automatically and he would have ended up losing touch with this body too. The pain that he experienced throughout this stage of his life and his unmet childhood needs would have been repressed.

Replaying The Past

With this in mind, his developmental needs will have rarely if ever been met when he was an infant and then a toddler and this caused him immense pain. He would have to come to believe that it wasn’t possible for him to have them met.

Now, he will either hide them, like he did back then or he will reveal them, only to come into contact with how he felt back then. He will need to know, at the core of his being, that his needs are not bad and that it is now possible for him to consistently have them met.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk