Mother Wounds: Can A Man Struggle To Be Loved By A Woman If His Mother Was Unable To Love Him?

Right now, a man could be in a relationship with a woman who is not really interested in him. Or, if he is not in a relationship with a woman like this, he could be dating or seeing a woman who is.

Consequently, he is going to be into or really into her but she is not going to feel the same way towards him. He might have been trying to change what is going on for a number of years, months or weeks.

A Waste of Time

Yet, regardless of how long he might have been doing this, he could find that it hasn’t had much of an impact. Throughout this time, he might have done a lot for her and spent a lot of money on her.

Due to how ineffective this has been, he could carry a fair amount of resentment and be deeply frustrated. But, although part of him might be ready to cut his ties with her, another part of him might be holding on.

Drawing the Line

If he was to call it a day, then, a small part of him could be relieved and another, bigger part of him could end up falling into a very deep hole. This can seem strange, especially as being with the woman wasn’t serving him.

He was in a position where he was giving a lot and receiving very little back, which was causing him to be deprived. However, thanks to how low he feels, he could have moments when he believes this proves how much he loved or liked the woman he was with.

A Deluded State

If he does have moments like this and he was to talk about what is going on to a friend or a family member, he could end up being told that he needs to completely face up to what was actually going on. To them, it will be clear that he was with a woman who wasn’t right for him.

They could find it hard to understand why he can’t simply face reality. As a result of what he has told them about what it was actually like, they might be only too aware of how dysfunctional it was.

The Next Stage

After a few weeks or months have passed, he could end up getting back in touch with the woman and try to take things further. He might not end up hearing back from her or she could come across as being slightly interested.

If he does receive a few crumbs of interest, he could end up being filled up with hope. He could end up believing that this time it will be different and that she actually wants to be with him now.

The Same Story

If he was to arrange a time to see her, this could end up being cancelled at the last minute, or he could meet her and she could come across as cold and having no interest in him whatsoever. As opposed to wanting to be there, it could be as though she is there because she has to be there.

After their time together has come to an end, he could feel very low and totally hopeless and helpless. He might be able to accept that there is nothing there at this point or he could end up trying all over again.

Moving On

If he does accept that there is nothing there, he could end up being drawn to another woman who is pretty much the same. He will be into her but she won’t really be into him and this is going to cause him to suffer all over again.

Now, if he was able to take a step back and reflect on this area of his life, he could see that this is something that he has experienced on a number of occasions. What could enter his mind is that this is just what women are like and that there is very little that he can do.

The Other Side

Still, if he was to meet a woman who was into him, he could end up pushing her away. This is not to say that he won’t be attracted to her but he could just end up calling it a day before long.

If this was to take place, he could struggle to understand why he has pushed a woman away that was interested in him after struggling to make a woman like him for so long. He could believe that this shows that he wasn’t really into her as if he was, this wouldn’t have happened.

A Deeper Look

Taking into account the fact that he has continually been drawn to women who were not interested and may have been with at least one woman who was but soon ended up pushing her away, it may show that he is replaying what took place during his formative years. During his developmental years, his mother might not have been able to provide him with the love that he needed.

But, as he desperately needed her to love him in order to grow and develop in the right way, he wouldn’t have been able to face reality. Accepting the fact that she couldn’t love him would have been too painful for him to handle.

Denial

He would have come to believe that there was something wrong with him and so, if he did the right things, he would finally be loved by her. This would have involved him automatically losing touch with himself and developing a false self, in the hope that this would cause her to love him.

Many, many years will have passed since this stage of his life but he will still be playing out the same scenario. By unconsciously being attracted to and attracting women who are not into him or are simply unavailable, it will allow him to continue to try to receive the love that he missed out on.

The Past is present

Of course, these women won’t be his mother but thanks to transference, this is something that he won’t realise at a deeper level. Just like when he was a boy, he will be deprived of what he needs and will feel hopeless and helpless.

If he is with a woman who can love him, he won’t be able to engage in a struggle for love and this will cause him to feel hopeless and helpless. Thus, for him to stop struggling for love and to finally let love in, he will need to face the pain of not being loved and express the unmet development needs that go with it – this will gradually liberate him from the invisible prison he has been in for so long.

Awareness
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If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk