Mother Wounds: Can A Man Try To Make Cold Women Warm If He Had An Emotionally Unavailable Mother?

Over the years, a man may have been with a number of women who lacked warmth.  Thanks to the experiences that he has had, he could believe that all women are the same.

What this is likely to show is that his brain has taken the experiences that he had with however many women and attributed these to all women. It then won’t be that the women he has been with and some others are this way; no, it will be that all women are like it.

Hard To See

What will make it hard for him to see what is going on is that his brain will block out evidence that goes against what he believes. By filtering out reality in this way, it will help to keep what he believes in place.

Additionally, there can be a part of him that also wants to be with a woman who is emotionally distant. What he believes about women is then just going to be one part of why his life is this way.

A Strange Scenario

Still, if it was put forward to him that what he believes is having an impact on his life, he could find this hard to accept. As far as he is concerned, he could just have ended up with these women.

His disconnected mind will create the impression that he is simply a passive observer of reality. And, when it comes to there being a part of him that wants to be with a woman like this, he could find this hard to accept, too.

Two Levels

What he will need to keep in mind, at this point, is that he has both a conscious and an unconscious mind. The former is not as strong or as impactful as the latter.  

So, as he wants one thing but is continually receiving something else, it is likely to show that this other part of him wants something else entirely. If he was to connect to this part of him, he could soon find that being with a woman who is unable to love feels comfortable.

What’s going on?

Assuming that he was to see this, he could wonder why a big part of him only feels comfortable when he is with a woman like this. He could see that being with a woman like this is not serving him.

What this shows is that his conscious mind only plays a small part when it comes to the women that he is drawn to and draws in. When it comes to the type of woman that his unconscious mind is drawn to, what took place during his formative years will play a big part.

Back In Time

This may have been a stage of his life when his mother was emotionally unavailable and unable to provide him with the love that he needed. It would then have been normal for him to not be looked at, ignored, rejected, criticised and left.

As he needed a mother who was able to attune to his needs and typically meet them, this would have caused him to be greatly deprived and wounded. But, as he was powerless and totally dependent, there wasn’t anything that he could do about what was going on.

One option

His only option was to adapt to this lack of love and this would have involved his brain repressing the pain that he was in and a number of his developmental needs. The other part of this is that he would have developed a disconnected false self.

This false self would have been focused on his mother’s needs and on doing what would please her. His mother is likely to have been deeply wounded, with this being the reason why she was unable to truly be there for him.

An Endless Struggle

Now, although she wasn’t able to love him, as he was egocentric, he would have come to believe that there was something wrong with him. Therefore, if he behaved in the right way, he would be loved by her.

If he was to face reality at this stage of his life, it would have been too much for him to handle; he had to lose touch with reality and create a false reality. Many, many years will have passed since he was a powerless and dependent boy, but, deep down, he will still be trying to be loved by his mother.

The Same Story

The women that he has been with won’t have been his mother but, as he will have unconsciously projected his mother onto these women, he won’t have known this deep down. This will have allowed him to struggle for the love that he missed out on as a boy.

But, as these women will have been just as distant as his mother, not to mention that this stage of his life is over, he would have been deprived all over again. Moreover, he would have re-experienced a number of the same feelings.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk