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Even though someone has the right to be here and deserves to exist, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. They can have this sense that they don’t have the right to be here and to exist.
Along with this, they can feel deeply worthless and unlovable. If this is so, they are not going to be in a good way and their life could be one big struggle. Missing Pieces Ultimately, in order for them to live a life that is worth living, they will need to know that they have the right to be here and deserve to exist. Also, they will need to have a felt sense of their own worth and lovability. As they don’t have these elements in place, even if their life were to change, it might not be long until it goes back to how it was before. The reason for this is that they wouldn’t feel comfortable experiencing life differently. The Norm If they were to think about how long their life has been this way, they could see that it has been this way for as long as they can remember. Consequently, they could come to the conclusion that they were born this way. This will then just be what their life is like and there won’t be anything that they can do about it. But, even if this is what they believe, there is a chance that there is far more to it. A Closer Look Assuming that they have been this way for as long as they can remember, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. However, if they were to think about this stage of their life, they might not be able to remember a great deal. What this will show is that that their brain has blocked out most if not all of what took place to protect them. They then won’t have just happened to forget about what their early years were like, this will be by design. Back In Time If they were able to go back in time, what they might soon find is that practically from the moment they were born, they were deprived of the love that they needed. So, they might have had a mother who was unable to attune to their needs and generally meet them. Due to this, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to attach to and develop a strong bond with her. This is something that would have greatly wounded them and stopped them from receiving what they needed to grow and develop in the right way. A Brutal Time Instead of this being a time, then, when they felt safe, supported, wanted and loved, it would have been a time when they felt unsafe, unsupportive, unwanted and unloved. The trouble is that as they were powerless and totally dependent, they would have been able to do anything about what was going on. Therefore, they were unable to change their mother’s behaviour or to find a mother who could love them. The only thing that they could do was to disconnect from their feelings and a number of their needs and create a disconnected false self. Another Part And, while this would have been a time when they suffered immensely, they would have formed a number of associations. This is because they were egocentric, which would have stopped them from being able to see that how they were treated wasn’t their fault. When it comes to the associations that they formed, this would have related to them not having the right or deserving to exist and being worthless and unlovable. The meaning that was made would have permeated their whole being and defined how they saw themselves. One Step Back This may be where this all began, or it can go back even further, and their system might have sensed that they were not wanted while they were in their mother’s womb. If so, the foundations would have been laid before they were even born. Their second environment, with their first environment being their mother’s womb, would have been a continuation of what it was like before. What happened would have compounded what had already happened. The Other Side At this point, part of them could wonder why they were rejected very early on, either in their mother’s womb and/or after they were born. They could struggle to understand why their own mother was so cold and perhaps cruel. But, as she won’t have loved and cherished them, it is to be expected this they would be this way. Nonetheless, as strange as this may be, it could start to make sense if they were able to go back in time and observe how she was treated as a child. Just As Brutal When she was in her mother’s womb, she may have also felt a deep sense of not being wanted. Either way, once she was born, her mother may have been emotionally unavailable and unable to attune to her needs. She would then have felt rejected and then been born into a world where she was rejected, or this would have been her first experience of being rejected. Not having her developmental needs consistently met would have greatly wounded her and stopped her from receiving what she needed to grow and develop in the right way. Self-Alienation To handle what was going on, she would have lost touch with her feelings and a number of her developmental needs. In place of her true self, then, would have been a disconnected false self. This would have caused her to become an unfeeling human being. The years would have passed and when the time came for her to become a mother, she wouldn’t have been in a position to be a mother as she was still a child herself and was too disconnected to be in tune with her feelings and maternal instincts. The Next Stage Having this understanding probably won’t transform their life but it can be a key part of what will allow them to gradually move forward. What they can keep in mind is that how they were treated had nothing to do with their right to exist and how deserving they are of being here or their worth and lovability, and, most likely, their mother had a very similar experience when she was a child. For whatever reason, she wouldn’t have been able to face and deal with any of her wounds and this is why she passed on what was done to her. Fortunately, they have been able to ‘wake up’ and can draw the line. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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