If someone were to look back at their early years, what might stand out is that this wasn’t a time when they were generally loved and cherished. Instead, they could see that this was a time when they were typically treated like they were nothing.
This can be how their mother and perhaps father, if he was around, treated them. Thanks to how they were treated throughout this key stage of their life, they could be in a bad way now that they are an adult.
It’s not over
Therefore, although this stage of their life will be well and truly over, they won’t have been able to truly move on. In fact, when it comes to how they often feel, it can be as though they are still a powerless and dependent child.
So, what can be normal is for them to feel helpless, hopeless, worthless and unloved. As a result of this, they can often feel down and depressed, and they can have a very strong inner critic.
A Bleak Existence
Their life is then unlikely to be very unfulfilling and they might often question if they want to be alive. To make matters worse, they could have a soul-destroying job, and their relationships could be anything but loving and supportive.
But, as they are not going to have a felt sense of their own worth and power, it is not going to be a surprise if they have a job like this. As for their relationships, not having a felt sense of their own worth and lovability will play a part as will not being comfortable with their own needs.
At The Root
Ultimately, as they were deprived of what they needed during their early years, they will be in an underdeveloped state. This is why they won’t have a felt sense of their own worth, power and lovability.
It will also be why they don’t feel comfortable with their own needs and are unable to accept that they are an interdependent human being who needs others. Hiding their needs and trying to do just about everything by themselves can be the norm.
Looking For an Answer
After thinking about how they experience life now that they are an adult and how hard it is, they can wonder why they were treated in this way. Naturally, as it was their mother and perhaps father who mistreated them, they can want to know why they were treated like an intruder as opposed to their own flesh and blood.
Along with this part of them, another part of them can believe that they deserved to be treated this way. According to this part of them, they can be inherently worthless and unlovable.
However, what they can keep in mind is that this part of them is a consequence of the fact that they were egocentric at this stage of their life and personalised what took place. If this wasn’t the case, they would have been able to see that how they were being treated wasn’t their fault.
The reason for this, and this is likely to have been why they were treated like an intruder, is that their mother and perhaps father were likely to have been in a bad way. They were then not loved because they were deeply flawed and unlovable; it was that their mother and perhaps father couldn’t love them.
Assuming that it was their mother who was unable to love them, this can show that she was also deprived during her early years. This may have been a time when she was neglected and mistreated.
What this would have done is stop her from going through each developmental stage. To handle what happened, she would have been forced to disconnect from her feelings and a number of her developmental needs and would have created a disconnected false self.
The years would have passed, but, beyond her physical appearance would have been a deeply wounded and underdeveloped child. Thus, when she had a child, she would have become a mother but she wouldn’t have been in a position to be a mother.
This was a time when she needed to love her child, but, as she hadn’t received what she needed to grow out of this stage, she wouldn’t have had a great deal to give. Moreover, she is likely to have been repelled by her child’s needs.
A Strong Reaction
Naturally, if she had to be there for her own mother and perhaps father, the last thing she would have wanted was to be around a needy infant, toddler and then child. At a deeper level, this would have reminded her of how it was for her as a child and how frustrated, angry, enraged, helpless and hopeless she felt.
Also, her child would have reminded her of the part of herself that was just as needy and desperately wanted to be loved. To keep her own pain at bay, she would have kept her distance and been indifferent to a number of her child’s needs.
To take one step back, this rejection and inability to be there for her child might have started when her child was in her womb. Before her child was even born, then, they would have sensed that they weren’t wanted or loved.
Irrespective of whether it goes back this far, her child would have felt like a burden. It wouldn’t have been possible for her to connect to and bond with her mother and this would have deeply deprived and wounded her.
What this emphasises is that it most likely didn’t start with them; their mother was also likely to have missed out on the love that she needed. This is something that probably goes back many, many generations.
A big part of what will allow them to gradually change their life is for them to face and work through their pain and experience their unmet developmental needs. This will take courage and patience and persistence.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.
Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
To book your free 15-minute consultation, click here.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.