Mother Wounds: Did An Abusive Mothers Childhood Stop Her From Being Able To Love?

​During someone’s early years, they may have had a mother who wasn’t very warm and was often very cruel. She would then have been their mother but based on how she often behaved, it would have been as though she was their enemy.

Thanks to what they went through throughout this key stage of their life, they might not be in a good way now that they are an adult. In fact, it could be a challenge for them to keep it together and handle life.

A Closer Look

So, they could often feel down and depressed and experience a fair amount of fear and anxiety. This can mean that they won’t have a life that is very fulfilling and will often feel overwhelmed.

A big part of them could also struggle to accept that they deserve to be treated well and loved. Consequently, they might have been in a number of relationships where they were treated like dirt, and they may be with someone like this now.

Two Sides

But, although a big part of them can believe that they deserve to be treated badly, another part of them can wonder why they were treated in this way. Additionally, there can be another part of them that is full of anger, murderous rage and hate.

Naturally, as this was a time when they were violated by their mother and perhaps their father, this is to be expected. Sadly, as it was their mother and perhaps their father who was mistreating them, they would have been forced to repress how they really felt and to tolerate being mistreated.

One Step back

When it comes to the part of them that believes that they deserve to be treated badly, this is likely to be a consequence of the fact that they were egocentric. How they were treated was then personalised and seen as a sign of how worthless and unlovable they were.

Thanks to the level of development that they had at this stage of their life, it wasn’t possible for them to see that their mother and perhaps father were not in a good way. As for the part of them that wonders why they were treated in this way, this part of them will know that something wasn’t right and that they didn’t deserve to be treated this way.

Stepping Back

Understandably, as it was their own mother who deeply wounded them, it is not a surprise that they are unable to get their head around what happened. Their mother will have harmed her own flesh and blood, not once but repeatedly.

What could enter their mind is that this is similar to a machine that has been programmed to perform a certain task and yet, does the complete opposite. Instead of creating things, it ends up destroying things.

Going Deeper

One way of looking at how she behaved would be to say that she was simply born this way; that’s all there is to it. There could be some truth to this but, what if there is far more to it?

What if her developmental years played a big part in her inability to love and protect her own child? If they were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for her during this time, it might soon start to make sense why she was so unfeeling.

Back In Time

At this stage of her life, she may have had a mother who was cold and cruel, and her father might not have been much different. This would have prevented her from receiving the love that she needed to grow and develop in the right way.

To handle the pain that she was in and what her mother and perhaps father were like, she would have been forced to disconnect from herself and reality. If this pain hadn’t been repressed and she had seen her mother and perhaps father for who they were, it would have been too much for her to handle and she is likely to have died.

Self-Alienation

The trouble is that while this would have allowed her to survive, it would have caused her to live on the surface of herself. As opposed to being an embodied human being who was in tune with her needs and feelings, she would have been estranged from her essence and her needs and feelings.

The self that she created to handle what happened is also likely to have been an inflated false self. Beyond this self was then a deeply wounded and underdeveloped human being.

The Next Stage

Therefore, when she ended up having a child, she would have become a mother but she wouldn’t have been in a position to be a mother. She needed to be attuned to her child in order to be able to generally meet their needs, but, of course, as she was out of touch with her feelings, this wouldn’t have been possible.

Consequently, her child would have had to adapt to her, which would have led to her child receiving misattuned care. In other words, her child would have been left when they needed attention and received attention when they needed to be left.

Passed Down

As the years passed, and her child went from an infant and toddler to a child, if she was physically and verbally abusive, this is likely to show that she was engaging in indirect revenge. Deep down, she would have seen her child as the mother and perhaps father who mistreated her and, as her child was not a threat to her, she would have felt safe enough to let her ‘dark side’ out.

What this illustrates is that she was unconsciously projecting her mother and perhaps father onto her child and couldn’t see them clearly. So, even though she was mistreating her child, how she was behaving had absolutely nothing to do with them as she was unable to actually see them. 

The Fall Out

Ultimately, as she hadn’t been nurtured when she was a child and became emotionally whole, she had very little to give emotionally. Furthermore, by being out of touch with her body, she would have been out of touch with her maternal instincts.

Lastly, as she carried so much anger, rage and hate and she most likely lacked self-awareness and the ability to self-reflect, this was bound to be taken out on someone at some point. Her frontal cortex might have even been damaged; if so, this would explain her lack of empathy, emotional instability, and self-awareness, for instance.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk