Irrespective of how many years have passed since a man was a boy, it doesn’t mean that he has fully moved on from this stage of his life. This might not be something that he is aware of, though.
If someone who understood the impact that early deprivation can have on someone was to take a closer look at his life, they might soon see the signs. As they know what to look for, it won’t be possible for them to not see the impact that it continues to have on him.
A Miserable Existence
Anyway, if he has more or less forgotten about this stage of his life and can’t see the signs, he can believe that this is just how life is. There is then not going to be a great deal that he can do.
Then again, he might not have really thought about how he experiences life and, thus, it will just be what is normal. Either way, it is going to be as though he lives in an invisible prison.
Assuming that he has thought about how he experiences life, he could find that he often feels down and even deeply depressed. Getting out of bed could often be a challenge and, when he goes to bed, he might seldom look forward to waking up the next day.
He could find that he rarely feels good about himself and alive or as though he has a strong reason to live. If so, he can be more like a machine that simply performs tasks than a feeling human being who is connected to what he does.
This can mean that he will have a job that is not very fulfilling or he could have a career that he enjoys but hasn’t been able to get very far. When it comes to the former, he might not believe that there is anything else that he can do.
And, when it comes to the latter, he might not believe that he has what it takes to move forward or that he deserves to. Therefore, whatever position he is in, he is not going to be happy with this area of his life.
When it comes to his love life, he could be single or he could be in a relationship. If he is single, he might have recently been in a relationship that was not very functional.
For example, he might have been with a woman who was largely cold and distant, and she might have often been very critical. This would then have been a woman who didn’t have a very strong feminine element.
If he were to get to the stage where he can no longer live in this way, he might start to wonder what is going on. He could think about how different his life is from a few of his friends or family members.
Yet, if he were to think about his formative years, he might believe that this stage of his life wasn’t that bad and that other people have it worse, for instance. This will show that his brain has blocked out the pain and the memories that would make it clear that this stage of his life was radically different to what his conscious mind remembers.
This stage of his life may have been a time when he was deeply deprived and wounded. As opposed to having a mother who was attuned and loving, she might have generally not been responsive to his needs or a number of them and been cold, distant and critical.
The pain that he experienced by not receiving the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way, in addition to a number of his unmet development needs, would have automatically been repressed by his brain. Another part of this would have involved him blocking out what his mother was actually like and developing a false view of her.
The Only Option
Along with repressing what was going on for him, if he hadn’t lost with reality and seen his mother as she really was, it would have been too much for him to handle. Also, as he was egocentric, he would have believed that if he changed himself and did what she wanted, he would finally be loved.
But, most likely, she wasn’t able to love him for who he was as she herself hadn’t been loved for who she was when she was a child. Another part of this is that he would have come to believe that there was something inherently wrong with him and his needs and that he was worthless and unlovable.
A key Role
What this illustrates is that even though his brain will have blocked out most if not all of what took place to protect him, what he experienced will still be influencing his life. Another way of looking at this would be to say that there is mentally moving on and then there is emotionally moving on.
To truly move on, both of these parts of him will need to live in the present moment. A big part of what will allow this to take place will be for him to face and work through the pain and experience the unmet development needs that had to be repressed all those years ago.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.