At the beginning of a man’s life, so his formative years, he may have been treated more like an object than a being that had his own needs, feelings and rights and had inherent value. Once, he was born then, his mother and perhaps father may have created the impression that they were happy but, even if this did take place, their behaviour, either straight away or as time passed, wouldn’t have backed this up.
Based on this, it would probably be accurate to say that what was going on for them on the surface didn’t match up with what was truly going on for them at a deeper level. However, although they would have most likely been out of touch with their true feelings, it would have ended up defining their behaviour as time passed.
Out of Balance
Regardless of if he did or didn’t have his needs met on a regular basis during the first few years of his life, and most likely he didn’t, his mother’s inability to see him as a separate being would have stopped him from being able to grow and develop in the right way. The reason for this is that by not seeing him in this way, there would have been no reason for her to truly be there for him.
Instead, it would have been his responsibility to be there for her, not the other way around. The outcome of this is that although he would have experienced a physical birth, he wouldn’t have experienced an emotional birth.
The first birth provided his soul with a vehicle to experience life, while the second birth would have provided him with a self that would have allowed this soul to express itself in the physical form. One way of looking at it would be to say that his self would be the bridge between the two.
But, while the first birth was something that simply took place automatically, the second birth required at least one parent who could love and wasn’t mentally and emotionally unwell. So, as his mother was unable to love and was probably mentally and emotionally, if not physically, unwell, it wasn’t possible for her to give him what he needed to experience a second birth.
A Closer Look
Although she was an adult, most likely she was developmentally stunted and in a deeply traumatised state. It was then not that she consciously chose to harm her son but, as she was in such a bad way, this is what took place.
During her early years, it is likely that her primary caregiver, probably her mother, also saw her as an object that was there to take care of their needs. This would mean that both her and her mother were stuck at the narcissistic stage of development and were, due to not receiving what they needed, unable to move beyond this false sense of omnipotence; where everything out there is an object that is under their command.
His mother, by being stuck at this stage, would have automatically ended up creating an inflated false self to keep this early trauma at bay. Underneath the narcissistic layer that she had in place to keep it all together and to fall apart, like Humpty Dumpty, was her deeply wounded self that didn’t receive what it needed at the narcissistic stage of her development.
Due to how traumatic this was, she would have disconnected from her emotional self. While this would have stopped her from being aware of the pain that she was in at this stage of her life, it would have greatly undermined her ability to empathise and show compassion as the years went by.
So, ultimately, his mother had the ability to birth a being but she didn’t have the ability to birth a beings sense of self. By not being able to truly love and to provide her son with the attunement that he needed and by using him to meet some of her needs, it is not going to be a surprise if he has trouble living a fulfilling life now that he is an adult.
His early years would have most likely been brutal and the misery will continue. Like his mother, he is likely to be estranged from his true self but, what can be different, is that he can have a deflated false self.
Going Through the Motions
Not having his development needs met, along with the trauma that he experienced, would have stopped him from being able to stay connected to his needs and feelings. Therefore, he would have been connected to himself very early on and now he will be a stranger to himself.
If he was connected to his true self and was, connected to his body, he would be able to listen to what is going on externally and internally and then take action. As this is not the case, he can primarily look towards others to guide him.
An Empty Vessel
He is likely to have a compulsion to please others, even though it won’t fulfil him. If he doesn’t, he is likely to end up experiencing a lot of fear and anxiety, and it could be as though his life is going to come to an end.
As he didn’t receive what he needed very early on to be able to develop a strong core, he won’t feel strong, capable, valuable or powerful. The pain that he experienced when he was rejected and abandoned will be held in his body and will control his behaviour.
An Invisible Barrier
What is clear is that he needs to ‘wake up’ and reach out for the support that he needs to gradually change his life. The issue is that as he was treated like he was nothing and had no rights, he can be loaded up with toxic shame and it might not even occur to him that he can or deserves to change his life.
As a result of this, it can take a while before he is able to get to the point where he does reach out. The truth is that he does have rights, he has inherent worth and he deserves to live a fulfilling life.
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.