Mother Wounds: Why Would A Man Feel Emotionally Empty If He Is Not In A Relationship?

If a man was to experience a breakup, he might end up feeling very low and as though he is missing something. Due to this, it might not be long until he is having casual encounters with one or a number of women.

Then again, and even if he was to have casual encounters with one woman, he might soon be in another relationship. This could mean that he could start off purely having sex with a woman and then this could develop into more.

A Different Season

By being in another relationship, he could feel fairly settled and whole. How he felt before, then, will be a distant memory and he will now be in a very different place.

Having said that, he might not have been aware of how he felt before and might have simply been compelled to find another woman. His need to avoid what was going on for him would then have been so strong that he didn’t take the time to reflect on what was going on.

An Escape

Assuming that this is the case, his greatest need won’t have been to find another woman who he could connect with. No, it would have been to get away from what was going on for him.

Therefore, by being with another woman, he will be able to keep what is really going on for him at bay. As a result of this, the woman that he is with might not be right for him and it might not be long until he is searching for another woman.

For example

So, the woman that he is with might not be very present and this will then unlock some of the pain that he was able to avoid before. He can end up feeling low and experience a sense of emptiness once again.

To push this inner material out of his conscious awareness again, he could end up having an affair or he could end the relationship. If he was to have an affair and allowed this connection to develop, before he ended his relationship, it is likely to be a smoother transition.

Drawing the line

This is something that could go on for many, many years and thereby, he won’t have to face himself. But, no matter how long this goes on, there is likely to come a time when this is no longer possible.

It is at this point that he might take a closer look into why he has gone from one woman to another and seldom been by himself. If he is in a lot of pain at this point, he could wonder what is going on.

A Closer Look

This can be a time when he will feel rejected and abandoned, and hopeless and helpless, and he might even feel suicidal. Physically, he will be a man, but, based on how he feels, he is going to be like a boy that needs his mother.

Without a woman to attach to and without her gaze, he won’t feel settled or whole and complete. At this stage, he could wonder why his sense of self is so dependent on a woman and why he is unable to function without having a woman in his life.

Going Deeper

If he has been this way for as long as he can remember, it could show that his early years were anything but nurturing. This may have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and unable to provide him with the love that he needed.

Throughout this stage of his life, he might have often been ignored, rejected and abandoned. Consequently, he wouldn’t have been able to securely attach to his mother and develop a strong sense of self.

The Outcome

This would have caused him to experience a lot of pain and a number of his developmental needs would have rarely if ever been met. To handle this, his brain would have automatically repressed this pain and these needs.

What this would have done is allowed him to keep it together and function. Additionally, the moments when his mother was available would have also played a part in what allowed him to keep his true feelings at bay.

Putting the Pieces Together

Of course, what took place will be in the past, but, as he is carrying the emotional impact of what took place and unmet developmental needs, he won’t have truly left this stage of his life. What will have changed is that he will no longer be trying to be loved by his mother; he will be trying to be loved by other women.

Without realising it, he will project his mother onto a woman and this is why he will be able to keep his pain at bay and to feel settled and whole and complete. At an emotional level, he won’t be able to see that this is not his mother and that this stage of his life is over.

It’s over

As this stage of his life is over, it is too late for him to receive the love that he missed out on. This is why he will feel settled and whole and complete when he is with a woman and unsettled and empty and incomplete when he isn’t, as another woman can’t give him what he didn’t receive as a boy.

The only thing that she can do is help him to keep his pain at bay, at least for a short while. For him to truly put the past behind him, he will probably need to work through this pain and experience his unmet developmental needs.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk