Now, although someone is interdependent and therefore needs others, it doesn’t mean that they realise this. If they were told this, they could say that they don’t need others and are happy being by themselves.
So, by being this way, they are going to see themselves as being independent and they might not have many needs. This is not to say that they won’t have any friends but they probably won’t be in an intimate relationship.
When they are with their friends, that’s if they have any, they could simply talk about how they have spent their time and global affairs. They are unlikely to talk about how they feel or to express their needs.
If they have ever been in an intimate relationship, they may have found that the other person was incredibly needy and been repelled by them. This neediness would then have been too much for them to handle.
Thanks to the experiences that they have had whilst they have been in an intimate relationship, they might not have any interest in being in one ever again. Just thinking about being in one could cause them to feel uncomfortable.
This is not to say that they will spend a lot of time feeling lonely, though, as they could typically be out of touch with how they feel. By being busy and living in their head, they might rarely if ever come into contact with how they feel and a number of their needs.
Plenty of Distractions
They could spend a fair amount of time watching TV, being entertained by using a device and talking to people online. By having access to so much stimulation, they won’t need to be with themselves.
There will simply be so many things out there that will completely consume their attention, thereby pulling them away from their own inner experience. This will all play a part in them being able to maintain the illusion that they don’t need others.
Still, every now and then they could end up feeling very low and find it hard to get anything done. If they were to visit their doctor at this point, they could end up being diagnosed as depressed.
If they were to end up being put on medication, they could simply go back to living how they were. The reason as to why they were depressed is then not going to be explored and their life won’t change.
What’s going on?
It could seem as though they are aware of the fact that they need others but they are just in denial about it. However, there is the chance that this is not the case and they don’t truly have the need for others.
How they behave will just be how they are as opposed to how they are choosing to be. What this is likely to show is they are out of touch with their need for others and this is why they are this way.
There is a strong chance that they ended up losing touch with most of their needs during the beginning of their life. Perhaps from the moment they were born, they might not have received the care that they needed in order to grow and develop in the right way.
If so, this would have been a stage of their life when they were largely neglected and when they did receive attention, it is likely to have been misattuned care. Quite simply, it would have been too painful for them to have needs.
To handle the pain that they would have experienced by not having their needs met, they would have automatically disconnected from their needs and feelings. In other words, they would have lost touch with their body.
The pain that they experienced would have been repressed by their brain and this would have allowed them to survive. There was no alternative; they were unable to change their caregiver’s behaviour or to find another caregiver as they were powerless and totally dependent.
Being independent and needless as an adult will then be a consequence of how they had to be to handle a very brutal stage of their life. Deep down, they are likely to carry a lot of pain.
Due to the experiences that they have had, having needs is likely to be seen as something that will cause them to be rejected and abandoned. They are also likely to see their needs as being both bad and a burden.
Naturally, it will take time for them to reconnect to their body and therefore their needs and feelings. Their body can be in a frozen, armoured state to stop their repressed pain from entering their conscious awareness.
With this in mind, if they were to embrace all this pain in one go, they would probably end up being wiped out. This is why it will have to be gradually worked through and by doing this; they will be able to accept the fact that they are an interdependent human being and to feel comfortable with their needs and feelings.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.