In general, someone could hide their needs and thereby, create the impression that they are needless. This could be something that takes place automatically as opposed to something that they consciously choose to do.
If a friend or a family member needs something, then, they could be only too happy to be there for them. But, if they need something, they might not tell anyone and soon lose touch with this need.
So, irrespective of if they have a number of friends and family members who could be there for them, it will be as if they are on an island in the middle of nowhere. And, as they are an interdependent human being, this is going to cause them to suffer unnecessarily.
Whenever a friend or a family member asks them how they are, they could say that they are fine or words to that effect. Soon after, they could ask how the other person is doing and being supportive towards them.
A Basic Existence
When it comes to what they do for a living, this could be something that is not overly fulfilling but it might just about pay the bills, so to speak. If the thought of doing something else does enter their mind, they could soon push it away.
Doing something that is fulfilling could be seen as something that is out of their reach. They could end up thinking about how they are lucky that they have a job and need to be grateful for what they have and not expect more.
If they are in an intimate relationship, this could be a relationship that is very similar to their other relationships. In this case, they will be overly focused on their partner’s needs and their own needs will largely be overlooked.
This could mean that they are often doing things for them and trying to make them happy. Their partner might be more than happy with what is going on and rarely if ever focus on their needs.
Every now and then, they could end up feeling totally washed out and deeply frustrated. Yet, as they will often be deprived of what they need, this is going to be a perfectly normal outcome.
For their life to change and for them to thrive, not merely survive, they will need to embrace and express their needs. Unless this takes place, they will continue to miss out on what they need and have moments where they are exhausted.
A Closer Look
If they were to imagine expressing their needs, this could be a time when they feel anxious and fearful. They could then fear that they will be rejected and abandoned.
This will show that they believe that there is something inherently wrong with their needs, and, for them to not be left, they will need to do what they can to hide them. As they believe that they have so much to lose by revealing their needs, it’s not a surprise that they behave in this way.
Part of life
However, as having needs is part of the human experience, there is no reason for them to be this way. What this is likely to illustrate is that their early years were a time when they were deprived of what they needed to grow and develop in the right way.
So, practically from the moment they were born, they might have often been left and when they were given attention, it might have largely been misattuned care. What this would have done is caused them to create the sense that their needs were bad and they would have done their best to hide them as having needs would have been too painful and seen as a threat to their very survival.
As time went by, one or both of their parents may have often reacted negatively whenever they expressed a need. This would have reinforced their sense that their needs were bad.
Naturally, they would have done their best to be as needles as possible and a non-entity in order to be accepted by their parent or parents. This would have meant that they lost touch with their true self and automatically created a disconnected false self.
This stage of their life is then going to be over but they won’t have truly moved on from it. For them to reconnect to themselves and freely express their needs, they are likely to have a lot of pain to work through.
This will relate to the pain that they experienced through not having their needs met and repressed. Along with this pain, there will probably be unmet developmental needs that they will need to embrace and express.
As they work through this pain and express these needs, they will gradually be able to accept that their needs are not bad and they don’t need to hide them. What this will do is allow them to realise that they deserve to be here.
This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.