Needs: Can Someone Be Out Of Touch With Their Needs If They Experienced Early Deprivation?

Even though someone is an interdependent human being who has needs, it doesn’t mean that they will act like one. In general, they could act as though they are completely independent and don’t have any needs.

However, this doesn’t mean that they will be consciously denying their true nature. Instead, they could simply be out of touch with a number of their needs, which will allow them to believe that they don’t need others.

Deeply Repressed

As so many of their needs will be hidden from them, it will make it easier for them to maintain this illusion. Of course, if they were to get in touch with the needs that have been pushed out of their conscious awareness, it would be a lot harder for them to do this.

There is a chance that they have been this way for most of their life, which will play a part in why they are unable to see what is going on. Another part of this is that the life that they lead is also likely to stop them from ‘waking up’.

Living up Top

So, as they are not aware of a number of their needs, it is likely to show that they live on the surface of themselves. By being this way, their attention is likely to primarily be on what is going on externally.

When they are not working, then, they can spend a lot of time being entertained and keeping themselves distracted. This can take place by them watching TV, playing video games and being caught up in different activities.

One Area

If they do have friends, these people could be more like associates. In other words, they could talk to them about what they have been doing and what is taking place in the world but that could be about it.

They might even spend a lot of time doing things for their friends and certain family members. In fact, a big part of their identity could revolve around them being needless and only too happy to be there for others.

A Hidden Agenda

But, even if they do come across in this way, it won’t be a true reflection of what they are actually like. Deep down, being there for others is likely to be a way for them to indirectly meet certain needs; certain needs that they are not aware of.

And, at times, this might allow them to meet certain needs, but, as they won’t be clear about what it is that they need, this approach is typically not going to work. Consequently, they can often feel frustrated and angry.

The Outcome

Nonetheless, these feelings can end up being repressed, causing them to feel down and depressed. If they were to become aware of the state that they are in, they could end up putting it down to something else.

For example, they could believe that they just suffer from depression and were born this way. Unless something significant takes place, they could continue to walk down the same path.

The Catalyst

What could open them up and thereby, allow them to reconnect to their needs and their inherent interdependence is a breakup. By attaching to someone and having a number of their needs met, needs that were previously unmet, no longer having these needs met can be very painful.

This can be a time when they will feel helpless and hopeless and they might question if they want to be alive. From this, it will be clear that they are not in a good way mentally or emotionally.

What’s going on?

Going through a breakup will be hard and what will have made this breakup even harder is coming into contact with pain and needs that had been repressed. The pain and needs that were repressed are likely to have been locked inside them since their formative years.

During this stage of their life, one or both of their parents might have seldom if ever attuned to their needs and provided with them with the love that they needed. This is likely to show that their parent or parents were emotionally unavailable and were unable to love them.

A Brutal Time

Thanks to this, it would have been normal for them to be rejected and abandoned. This would have caused them to be deeply wounded and, for them to keep it together, their brain would have automatically repressed the pain they were in and a number of their developmental needs.

The outcome of this is that their awareness would have separated from their body and they would have formed a disconnected false self. Also, as they were egocentric, they would have come to associate their needs and feelings as being bad and expressing them would have been seen as a threat to their survival.

One option

Living on the surface of themselves and being out of touch with their needs and feelings will have caused them problems as an adult but if they hadn’t responded in this way very early on, they might not be alive. Ultimately, they grew up in an emotional desert and they had to adapt to a lack of love.

Reconnecting to themselves is going to take courage and patience and persistence. A big part of this is likely to involve them facing and working through pain and experiencing unmet developmental needs.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk