Although it is part of the human experience to have needs, it doesn’t mean that every human being feels comfortable with their needs. Along with this, there are going to be people who are rarely, if ever, aware of what their needs are.
Due to this, not everyone is going to have the same relationship or connection with their needs. Clearly, the ideal will be for someone to be in tune with their needs and to feel comfortable enough to express them.
The Perfect Scenario
Still, if someone is in this position, it doesn’t mean that their needs will always be met. But while there will be moments when their needs won’t be met, they are not going to be accustomed to living in this way.
Ultimately, there are going to be the needs that other people can meet and there will be the needs that they can’t meet. Ergo, there are going to be certain needs that one will need to take care of themselves.
Part of Life
After all, one is going to be an adult not a child, meaning that they will have the ability to meet a number of their own needs. Through accepting this and taking care of certain needs, they will put less pressure on the people in their life.
If, on the other hand, they expected the people in their life to fulfil all of their needs, it would most likely create a lot of tension in their life. A few of these people might end even up pulling away.
One would then be behaving more like a dependent child than an adult, and this would mean that one wouldn’t be able meet anyone else’s needs. Instead of being able to give and take, they would simply take and take.
So, when it comes to what they can do for themselves, it will relate to what they need to do to achieve their goals, amongst other things. Naturally, what they want to achieve is unlikely to fall into their lap.
When it comes to their friends and family, these people can take care of their need to be heard and acknowledged. Spending time around them will also fulfil their need be connected to others and even to be part of a community.
Being in an intimate relationship can allow them to fulfil their physical and sexual needs, and to take care of a number of their emotional needs. If they have a strong connection with a number of their friends, in addition to other interests, they won’t expect as much from their partner.
A Number of Spinning Plates
Taking care of certain needs and not being overly dependent on any one person is going to allow their life to run more smoothly than it would if this wasn’t the case. As Stuart Wilde would say, they won’t be ‘leaning into life’, and this will make it easier for them to stay centred and for their life to flow.
From the outside, someone like this might not look that much different to someone who doesn’t experience life in this way, but the difference would soon become clear if a closer look was taken. What would soon stand out is that this is someone who is experiencing life in the right way.
A Different Life
If someone doesn’t feel comfortable with their needs, they will probably find that they have the tendency to hide them from themselves and others. Their needs are unlikely to be seen as part of being human; they will most likely be seen as something to be ashamed of.
This is not to say that one will be consciously aware of this, though, as this could be something that they are unaware of. Even so, it will still define how they see and respond to their needs.
One can then come across as needless and as though they don’t need others, which could mean that they will be seen as being ‘independent’. Therefore, they are not going to have a healthy relationship with their needs, yet they can be seen as being a well-adjusted adult.
A lot of the people who they spend time with may be on the other end of the spectrum, coming across as needy and dependent. However, regardless of what other people say, one is going to be neglecting themselves.
What’s The Point?
If one was to look back on their life, they may see that revealing their needs to others has caused them to experience a fair amount of pain. Being ignored, rejected and even cast aside by others may be something that they have gone through on numerous occasions.
How other people behaved towards them may have been hard for them to handle, but what took place within them may have been even harder. Each time something like this happened, it may have validated their view that there was something inherently wrong with their needs.
What Going On?
Instead of thinking that there is something wrong with their needs, what they should be thinking is that there is something wrong with the view that they have that there is something wrong with their needs. It may seem as though one has come to this conclusion as a result of what has taken place in their adult life, but this is unlikely to be the case.
What this is likely to show is that their early years were a time when their needs were seen as a problem. Practically from the moment they were born, their needs may have been rarely, if ever, met.
A Traumatising Time
At this age, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to realise that their needs were not the problem, and this is why they would have formed a negative relationship with their needs. Disconnecting from their needs, along with their emotional self, would have been the only way for them to stop themselves from being overwhelmed with pain.
Their caregivers may have also had their needs ignored when they were growing up, with this being the reason why they were unable to truly be there for them during this incredibly important time in their life. If their caregivers had worked through their pain, there would have been no reason for them to pass their neglect onto the next generation and for history to repeat itself.
If one can relate to this, and they want to embrace their needs, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.