While there are certain behaviours that are seen as being good, there are others that are seen as being bad. When it comes it comes to the former, it can relate to having manners, being friendly and helping others.
Through being this way, one is likely to find that most people will respond in a positive way to them. During the moments when this is not the case, there will be no reason for them to take it personally.
The Other Side
And when it comes to the latter, it can relate to the opposite of what was mentioned above; so not having manners, being unfriendly and not helping others. One is likely to find that if they were to behave in this way, it would cause other people to respond in a negative way.
It could be said that the difference is not going to be much of a surprise, and this is because people generally want to be treated well. Therefore, the best way for them to get other people to respond in a positive manner will be to behave in this way.
Back To Reality
If one was to look at how they behave in their day-to-day life, they may find that this is what takes place. They may see that they spend a lot of time being there for others, and very little time being there for themselves.
As a result of this, they will live a life that is based around doing everything they can to meet other people’s needs. One way of looking at this would be to say that one is living their life in the right way.
There will then be what they do for the people they don’t know, and what they do for the people in their life. If someone needs their assistance, it might not matter if they know them very well.
When it comes to the people in their life, one could do what they can to make sure they are always available to meet their needs. And if they are unable to be there for someone, they could end up feeling incredibly guilty.
If they are in a relationship, they may spend as lot of time doing what they can for this person. One could believe that it is down to them to meet his person needs, and they might not expect anything from them.
Now, the person they are with could appreciate what they are doing, or they could simply take it for granted. This could be how the other person is usually treated when they are in a relationship.
And it might not matter what their friends or family need help with, as they could be only too happy to help them. They could end up lending them money, taking them to different places, and doing work for them.
Once this has taken place, they could offer them something in return, or they might not feel the need to do anything. But if one has been this way for such a long time, it is not going to be a surprise for these people to see one’s behaviour as being normal.
Through having the tendency to ignore their own needs, one could find they often feel as though they are running on empty. As even though they give a lot to other people, they are not going to get a lot back.
They might be doing well in their career, or this could be another area of their life that is not given the attention it needs. But even if this is how one experiences life, it doesn’t mean that they will change their behaviour.
One might believe that they only have two choices: either to focus on other people’s needs and to be selfless, or to focus on their own and to be selfish. Therefore, even though they will be ignoring their own needs, it will be better than to be like the people who only focus on their own needs.
There is also the chance that one is generally disconnected from their own needs, and this is then going to stop them from even thinking about them on a regular basis. In fact, at a deeper level, they might believe that they don’t deserve to have them met.
And although their needs will generally be overlooked, they will probably be used to receiving approval. There may have been moments when others have told them how good they are and that they are an example to others.
If, on the other hand, one only thought about themselves, this is not something that is going to occur. One would probably be used to having people criticise them, and a lot of people would be repelled by them.
In The middle
The trouble with being selfless is that it will cause one to overlook their own needs, and this is going to cause them to suffer. This is not to say that one will always be in touch with this pain, as they could do what they can to deny how they feel.
Ultimately, human beings have needs and, if they are not able to meet these needs, there will be consequences. Fortunately, being selfish or selfless are not the only options; one can be there for others and they can be there for themselves.
And through being able to meet their own needs, it will allow them to truly be there for others. They won’t need to run on empty and this will give them the energy to have a positive effect on others.
When one always focuses on other people’s needs, it can show that they feel ashamed of their own needs. It is then not that they don’t have needs; it is that they focus on others needs in order to receive approval; with the hope that this will indirectly allow them to fulfil their own needs.
The kind of relationship one has with their own needs is often the result of what took place when they were younger. If they were brought up by people who ignored their needs and one was used them to fulfil their needs, it would have caused them to believe that their needs were not important.
If one can relate to this, and they want to feel comfortable with their needs, it might be necessary for them to work with a therapist. This will give them the chance to look into what took place and to move forward.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.