Needs: Why Do Some People Feel Ashamed Of Their Needs?

If one was to come across someone who said that they can live without air, one might start laughing or they could think that there is something wrong with them. This is because human beings need air to survive; they could go against this need, but their life would soon come to an end.

As breathing in and out is something that usually happens without one having to do anything, it is generally going to mean that this need is at the back of their mind. This allows one to carry on with their life and to focus on their other needs.

But while fulfilling this need is usually straight forward, it doesn’t mean that one is able to fulfil their other needs in the same way. They could find that it is real challenge for them to have their needs met.

Needs

Although having needs is part of being human, it doesn’t mean that one feels comfortable with their needs. It could be said that it should be normal for one to feel comfortable with their needs.

And if one doesn’t feel comfortable with their needs, it shows that something isn’t right. Yet, just because this is the case, it doesn’t mean that one realises their needs are part of being human.

Inner Conflict

When one is unable to embrace their needs, it is going to mean they are experiencing inner conflict. On one side, they have the need to full their needs, and on the other, this doesn’t feel right.

And if one is aware of what is taking place within them and is able to step back, they might wonder what is going on. This could be something that has taken place for many years and it could then be seen as normal.

Another Reality

When one feels comfortable with their needs it doesn’t mean that they will always fulfil them; what it means is that one won’t feel the need to hide them and neither will they always go without having their needs met.

Their experience is going to be radically different and they might find it hard to relate to someone who doesn’t feel comfortable with their needs. Through having their needs met, they are going to live a more fulfilling life.

Inner Harmony

And as one is not rejecting the fact that they have needs, this is going to mean that they feel different on the inside. This can then give one the chance to work with themselves as opposed to against themselves.

Even if one does deny their needs, they are not just going to go disappear.  What they will do is build up and this is going to have an effect on one’s mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.

Hidden

When one does hide their needs, they are going to be hiding a big part of themselves. Due to how they feel about their needs, it is not possible for them to live an authentic life.

Instead, one has to put on an act and to life a live that is not fulfilling. This could mean that one feels as though they are always running on empty and the people around them might not even know.

False Self

In the eyes of others, one could be seen as someone who is always there for others and they are then not even aware of what is taking place. This could mean that while one is suffering on the inside, on the outside, they are revered.

The approval they may receive from others is then going to make them feel good, but it is not going to be enough to compensate for the fact that their needs are not being met.  It is better than nothing and yet it is not going to allow one to live a fulfilling life.

Indirect

When one doesn’t feel comfortable with their needs, being there for others is a way for them to get their needs met. One doesn’t go about getting their needs met directly; they do what they can to please others with the hope that they will return the favour.

And while this may work from time to time, it is going to set one up to experience more frustration. This is not necessarily because others are always selfish; it is because they are not always going to be aware of what is taking place.

Ashamed

At a deeper level, one could feel ashamed of their needs and this is why it is not possible for them to get them met. They are then not seen as a normal part of being human; they are seen as something to be ashamed off.

If they were to reveal their needs to others, it could be seen as something that will cause them to be abandoned for instance. Their survival is then based on them hiding their needs and acting as if they are needless.

What’s going on?

So as one is going against their true nature, it shows that something is not right and that something has happened to make them this way. What this can mean is that one’s needs were overlooked during their childhood.

This would have been a time where one’s needs were rarely met and one may have had to meet their caregiver’s needs instead. If they revealed their needs, they may have been abandoned, harmed or even humiliated. Their environment caused them to see their needs as bad and not as normal.

Awareness

It is going to be important for one to realise that their needs are normal and not something to be ashamed of. And as their needs were ignored during their younger years, it could also mean that they will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs.

This can take place with the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group. Once this takes place, one won’t feel as needy and they will be able to embrace their needs. 

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Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/