To have needs is part of being human and this is something that cannot be changed. One might pretend that they don’t have any and yet this is nothing more than a facade and an act of self denial.
And then there can be other people who come across as extremely needy and there is no confusion as to whether this person has needs or not. This is not to say that some people always cover up their needs and others will show them in full; as each person can change depending on the context.
The other dynamic here is when someone has needs and they embrace them for what they are. This means they are nether needy or needless and are comfortable with the fact they have them.
So when someone has lost all contact with their needs or has very little connection to them, this is not much chance they will ever be met. For one thing one doesn’t know what they are and if one doesn’t know what they are - how can anyone else have any idea either.
This is going to lead to a sense of frustration and pain and one is likely to end up feeling powerless. And it is then not so much that other people are not responding to their needs, as much as they are out of touch with them themselves.
There could also be moments when this person does come into contact with their needs and they end up feeling incredibly needy as a result. But before long, they are soon disconnecting once more and putting on the mask of being needless.
In the case where someone is needy, it won’t matter if they are getting their needs met or if they are not; as the same consequences are likely to arise. And this is because these are not like normal needs that can be met and fulfilled.
These are needs that are insatiable and are unable to be fulfilled in most cases. However, if one has become completely consumed by them and enslaved to them, they are not likely to see that they are running on a wheel that never stops.
And just like the person who is generally unaware of their needs, this person could also have moments where they deny them. This will take place on very rare occasions or moments though.
To be comfortable with ones needs and not feel overly needy or attached to getting them met shows that this person is likely to have slightly different needs to the needs of the people above. They could be described as adult needs and these needs can be met and fulfilled by other people and by themselves.
And through not being overly attached to getting their needs met and being able to have their needs fulfilled, support is likely to be there in one way or another. When one is attached to getting their needs met either consciously or unconsciously, it often makes it harder to have them met.
One can then become more attached and then it becomes even harder. The cycle then continues and one can end up feeling trapped and overwhelmed by their needs. Being attached ends up pushing what one wants even further away.
Being overly needy or needless are two sides of the same coin and being comfortable with ones needs and being neither needy nor needless is often a sign of emotional maturity. So while each person is physically an adult, they are not coming from the same place emotionally.
It is not that some people are able to have their needs fulfilled in life and some are not, what it comes down to is how attached someone is and what these needs actually are. Physical growth is something that occurs whether one puts any effort in or not and yet emotional growth rarely just happens. This is something that can take a conscious effort and a prolonged commitment.
The needs of a child and baby are insatiable and need to be met during the right moments. And while one may have physically grown up, at an emotional level, they can still feel as they did during these early years. One then feels like a child in an adult’s body, but if they are not aware of this, they can expect other people to fulfil these needs.
This is not going to be possible though, as other people have their own needs and can’t be expected to fulfil needs that one’s caregiver didn’t meet when they were younger.
So when these needs were not met by ones caregiver, this would have created emotional pain and this would have stayed trapped in one’s body. Perhaps ones caregiver was emotionally unavailable and out of tune with ones needs and so one had to go without getting them met in the majority of cases.
And as they were emotional unaware, they couldn’t mirror or validate how one felt and so one had no other choice but to repress how they felt. Time has then passed, but emotionally it can feel as though nothing has changed.
These trapped feelings and emotions will need to be gradually released from one’s body. And as this takes place, one will see that they were not real needs to begin with and that no one could ever fulfil them. Ultimately one is grieving what didn’t happen in their childhood and as a result of this, they will begin to feel like an adult.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to face their trapped feelings and emotions and gradually release them.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.