During someone’s early years, the ideal will be for them to receive what they need so that they can live their own life as an adult. This will then be a time, then, when they will grow on the outside and grow on the inside.
Therefore, the first birth will have taken place, the physical birth, and the second birth will also take place, the emotional birth. Their outer self will continue to grow through receiving the right nutrients and their inner self will grow through receiving the right care and guidance.
Thanks to this, they will look like an individual and they will also be able to act like one. They will be in touch with their own needs and feelings, their true-self, and they will feel safe enough to express who they are.
So, as the years go by and it is down to them lead their own life, they will be able to look within for guidance and feel strong enough to follow this guidance. Nevertheless, this doesn’t mean that they will lead a life that completely reflects who they are as their early experiences will still have influenced them.
What this illustrates is that one won’t fully separate from their caregivers even if their early years were ‘good enough’ or better than good enough. There will still be things that they need to let go off that don’t reflect who they truly are.
There will also be views and beliefs that they have picked up from other influences such as the education system and their society that they will need to let go of. Ultimately, letting go of what is not them will be a lifelong process.
A Massive Help
Fortunately, as they received what they needed to start this process, they will have solid foundations. With these foundations in place, they can continue to move forward and to create a life that is more aligned with their true essence.
If they didn’t have a strong sense of self and were not aware of their own needs and feelings, they would lead a very different life. It is unlikely to be a life that is deeply meaningful and fulfilling.
As a result of what their life is like, it might be hard for them to comprehend what it would be like to live in this way. How they experience life will just be what is normal and what they are accustomed to.
When someone doesn’t live as they do, their life is going to have very little to do with what is taking place inside them. There is even the chance that, in general, one won’t even be aware of what their needs and feelings are.
A Bleak Existence
Their point of focus could primarily be on what is taking place externally and they could be more like an extension of others than a separate being. One is then going to be nothing more than a supporting actor in their own story.
They may be used to receiving a fair amount of approval but, no matter how much approval they receive, it won’t make up for the fact that they are not living their own life. Through experiencing life in this way, they could be used to feeling frustrated and angry and they could spend a fair amount of time feeling deeply helpless.
They may blame themselves for what is going on, seeing themselves as weak and incapable. However, what they are going through is likely to be due to them not receiving what they needed to receive as a child.
Unlike the person above, their physical self will have grown but their emotional self will have stayed in an undeveloped state. This would have stopped them from being able to emotionally separate from their primary caregiver and to get very far on the individuation process, or to even to start this process.
Stuck in The Past
As a child, they would have seen themselves as an extension of their primary caregiver, and by receiving the right care they would have been able to move through this stage. Yet, as this care wasn’t provided, they wouldn’t have been able to move beyond this stage.
The outcome of this is that they won’t have developed a strong sense of themselves or realise, at the core of their being, that they are emotionally separate from others. Deep down, they will believe that their survival depends on pleasing others, as it did when they were a child.
Trapped In the Mirror
Considering this, even if there are moments when they are able to connect to their true-self, it won’t be possible for them to listen to this part of them. Acting as an individual, as opposed to an extension of others, will be seen being too much of a risk.
If they were to act as an individual and to have their own life, they are likely to believe that they will be abandoned. To the child part of them, other people will be seen as their caregivers and so, to be left by another person, will cause them to die.
In order for one to break away and to create their own reality, no longer being stuck in other people’s realities, they will need to face and work through their childhood wounds. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
Someone like this can also provide one with the positive regard, or love, that they need to develop a strong sense of self. This is something that will take patience and persistence.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.