When it comes to the modern day descriptions of men, there are two that are often mentioned. One is the bad boy and the other is the nice guy. And while on paper and in person these men can come across as being radically different, in many ways, they are simply two sides of the same coin.
This is because these ways of behaving are adoptions and are not an authentic expression of who someone is. So a man will act in these ways in the hope that their needs and wants will be fulfilled.
Although being a nice guy rarely leads to a man getting his needs and wants met; this if often a role that is praised in today’s world. To be nice to others is seen as a sign of being a good human being and as doing the right thing.
So while one may be fed up of not getting what they need or want, they can be appeased as a result of looking good in the eyes of others.
Nice guy behaviour can be seen in all kinds of relationships and not just in sexual or intimate relationships with women. This will be man that is only too happy to help others and to be there for them. And no matter how big or small the need is or when or where it is; this is man that is likely to be available.
Saying yes is going to be something that this man is extremely familiar with. They may say no from time to time, but saying yes is what will feel most comfortable. As long as other people are happy and pleased with what happens, then one is on the right path.
So when it comes to relationships with women or friends for example, there is inevitably going to be a lot of compromise. The other person in the relationship may well feel content and that they are getting what they want and need, but one is going to feel ignored and that their needs and wants are unimportant.
The other person could be speaking their truth and expressing what it is they want and need. However, the nice guy is not doing this, what they are doing is making sure everyone else is doing fine And while the people that they come into contact with may be different, the results will be the same. Compromise will be like an island that they can never leave.
Emotional Build Up
On the surface a nice guy can appear to be only too happy to be there for others and to forget about what matters to them. And if a nice guy didn’t have needs or wants themselves, then this happiness would be a true reflection of what is truly going on. But they do have needs and wants and this means that certain emotions are going to accumulate.
Frustration and anger are likely to be familiar emotions and these can then develop into other emotions, such as: resentment, hate and even rage. This could lead to the guy nice guy having emotional outbreaks and being unpredictable from time to time.
What’s The Benefit?
So even though the nice guy is gaining the approval and acceptance of others and as a result of this, may get what they what in the rare moments; they are not listening to themselves.
They are experts at fulfilling the needs and wants of others, and yet when it comes to their own needs and wants they are completely out of touch. In the short term they gain something for others, but in the long run this gain is being outweighed by pain.
Physically they may look like a man and yet emotionally this is unlikely to be true. The man is likely to be regressing to an earlier stage in their life. This is a stage where approval and acceptance were vital. And during this time, ones needs and wants may have felt like a burden and as something that one felt ashamed of and guilty for having.
When this happens it won’t matter how old a man is or how physically strong they may be; their emotional self is taking over and causing them to feel like they did as a child.
And if they feel this way as an adult through regressing, it is unlikely that they felt too comfortable with their needs and wants as a child. One could have been brought up by a caregiver that was emotionally unavailable and out of tune with themselves.
So due to their caregivers lack of emotional development and awareness, one had to take care of their caregiver’s needs and wants and to deny their own needs and wants in most cases. Needs and wants would then be something to feel ashamed of and one could feel guilty for having them.
This is often classed as a role reversal; where the child becomes the parent and the parent becomes the child.
And through one experiencing this over and over again it become familiar and therefore safe to the ego mind. So whenever a man thinks about or behaves in a way that goes against these early experiences, it will retrigger these early experiences. And this could be feelings of: rejection, abandonment, shame, guilt and fear for instance.
These associations will need to be changed and emotions that remained trapped since those early years will also need to be released. And as this takes place, one will start to feel comfortable with having needs and wants. It will then be possible find a healthy balance between being there for others and being there for oneself.
This is a process that can be assisted through a therapist, healer or some kind of coach. Or through one doing some kind of self inquiry and letting go of the past.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.