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People Pleasing: Why Do Some People Always Try To Please Others?

20/5/2013

18 Comments

 
While trying to please others can be something everyone does from time to time, for others, it is the focus of their lives.

What this person wants from life as whole or what they want to do from moment to moment is then secondary. The needs and wants of others are far more important than their own wants and needs.

And perhaps this person has completely lost touch with their own needs, wants and desires, through becoming consumed by what others want.

A Way Of Life

To the observer, this kind of behaviour is can seem ridiculous and as something that wastes a lot of time and energy. It is clear that the people pleaser is neglecting their own needs, happiness and fulfilment, in order to help other people achieve these things.

And yet to the people pleaser themselves, this is probably something that feels normal and therefore the right thing to do. It could be that they have always been this way and have never even considered that there could be another way.

Or it could be that although they always put others first, it is not necessarily something that they consciously chose to do. And that it is something they feel they have to do and have no choice.

Appearances

On the surface, a people pleaser can seem to be a door mat and as having no back bone. And they can also be seen as model citizens and as examples of how to be. As they can be kind, keen to help and have no difficulty in getting along with other people.

However, appearances can often be deceptive and belie what is actually going on within.

The Forgotten Self

So while it can depend on how aware the people pleaser is, as to how they feel about pleasing others, it is going to lead to the same consequences. And that is that, their own self is being forgotten about.

One may feel a sense of anger, rage and frustration through not taking care of themselves. This could also alternate between one feeling as though they are being responsible and that it would be selfish to put themselves first.

The Illusion

That fact that a people pleaser always looks to put the needs of others before their own, can create the illusion that what they do has no personal benefit or gain. And that they are selfless individuals, unlike people who put themselves first.

But, the primary reason that these people are putting others first is because of what it is doing for them. And not because of what it is doing for others.

At a deeper level, they have learnt that it is only safe to put others first and that it is not safe to put themselves first.

Associations

The ego mind will have formed certain associations around taking care of their own needs and wants. And when it comes to people pleasers, these are unlikely to be empowering of healthy.

So if they were to put themselves first, it could lead to the following associations being triggered:

·     That one would be rejected

·     That one would be abandoned

·     That it wouldn’t be safe

·     That one would end up alone

·     That one wouldn’t survive

·     That one would become isolated

And as fears such as these exist, it will be a real challenge for them to look after their own needs.

Causes

What has happened in their adult years and their childhood years will make a difference here. However, the primary influencer is likely to be the childhood years. At this age, one is dependent on their caregivers for survival and so it is vital that they do as they say.

Now, some caregivers will be more accepting of a Childs needs than others. And how accepting they are, will go a long way to defining whether the child will grow up to be a people pleaser or not.

If the child is allowed to have its own needs, without experiencing a loss of love, acceptance and approval, then it will form associations that it is safe to have needs.

But if the child experiences a withdrawal of love, approval and acceptance when it comes to its own needs, then it will form associations that it’s not safe to have them. In this case, the child will probably only be loved when they are taking care of their caregivers needs.

Consequences

These early experiences can then create an adult that doesn’t feel safe to have needs. And then the only way to feel safe is to look after other people’s needs, thereby recreating these early experiences.

If they put themselves first it will lead to fear and of not feeling safe. Although years have gone by, to the ego mind, this is what feels familiar and therefore safe. And as long as these associations exist, it will cause one to attract people and situations that reflect the past or to interpret the present in the same way.

Awareness

If one is constantly neglecting their own needs in order to help another, it is unlikely to lead to a fulfilling life. Through being there for oneself, it will be a lot easier to assist others.

The assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach can enable one to accept their needs and wants as normal and acceptable and not as something to be fearful of.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get  in touch. And feel free to share this article. 

Oliver J R Cooper 
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
18 Comments
Kala
2/3/2016 08:02:48 pm

This article was very informative. It is helping me get to the root of my people pleasing addiction. Many times we don't realize why we do what we do. Two things stood out to me when reading this: rejection and the anger, rage and frustration associated with pleasing others and not self. Even the lack of fulfillment is a major issue for me. Thanks for publishing this and keep them coming.
Best Regards
searching for healing

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
2/3/2016 11:08:11 pm

Hello Kala,

thank you for your comment and feedback.

I'm pleased that this article assisted you.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
will
26/5/2016 09:21:41 pm

wow.... i had one thought today regarding me being a pleaser and decided to google it expecting nothing to come up. this article made me have serious self realizations that will probably change my life. the name of this website speaks true.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
26/5/2016 09:28:29 pm

Hello Will,

thank you for getting in touch.

I'm pleased to hear that this article has made a difference. Keep up the good work.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Richard Bekker
11/6/2016 02:26:28 pm

Thank you for this Great article!! I was always a people pleaser , although I hated it! It was due to the way I was brought up. It was so Bad that both my brothers committed suicide. I also went through a lot of tragedy in my life eg; 2010 lost both of my brothers, was armed robbed in 2010 and wife was raped during the incident , 2011 my mother and myself was both involved in major car accidents. 2012 three of my staff members stole my business whole database,to start their own business. I lost my business, my properties, vehicles, etc. I have a good wife, but no sex, intimacy. Sometimes I feel that I am just fighting, but I feel alone. Luckily I am still alive, I started to build my business again, but I am alone and do not want to be a people pleaser anylonger . I want to be the Best I can be and enjoy my life!!
Your adviceand comments will be appreciated!!
Thank you!!

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
12/6/2016 03:17:05 pm

Hello Richard,

thank you for your feedback. I'm pleased to hear that it has assisted you.

My advice would be for you to work with a therapist. Reach out for the right support and then you will be able to move on from this.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Christine
23/8/2016 10:58:18 am

I have been trying to get my head around why my whole life has centred around pleasing others. This article has certainly opened my eyes and shone a bit of light as to some of the causes. Yes, I never got the mothers love and approval and can remember as a child wanting to help others and it even placed me in very vulnerable situations. This time in my life as I approach 60 I am quite depressed at 2 failed marraiges and a unhappy present one. I worked full time intil 2 years ago when I couldn't cope with the demands after a complicated hip replacement. My dad died when I was in my 20's and he was the one who showed me some love he died weeks after my first husband walked out on me and the children, the youngest was new born. I am going to try and get my head around this situation. Thanks

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
25/8/2016 01:43:39 pm

Hello Christine,

thanks for your comment.

I am pleased to hear that this has assisted you.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Donna Watts
26/9/2016 03:56:45 pm

Thank you for your article. It is so true. I am 50 and have always happily done what others have wanted, really not thinking about me at all. Now that I'm an empty nester, people keep asking me, now what? And you are right, I don't even know what I really do like apart from my husbands and kids likes that became my own. I'm happy, but now that I'm figuring out what I like, it is causing confusion with my husband, grown kids, and a few friends, plus I do feel guilty voicing my new found desires, but I'm excited to learn what I do like! Thanks for your article:)

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
26/9/2016 04:49:14 pm

Hello Donna,

thanks for getting in touch.

Its good to hear that it has assisted you.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Xavier
1/10/2016 07:44:54 pm

Today I decided to understand why I pleased people a lot and not myself, this article made me feel human again, and such a cornerstone article that has released me from my chains.

Thank you.

Xavier

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
1/10/2016 10:23:31 pm

Hello Xavier,

It is great to hear about how this article has assisted you.

Keep up the good work.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Bob
8/10/2016 08:45:33 pm

Very thorough...I appreciated the eloquent writing that explains so well the "feelings" that I have been aware of about myself my entire life. I found the encouragement you offered: to be there more for oneself and that that will make easier to assist others, to be counterintuitive but the " ah ha! moment" of the article. If I love me more ... then it will be even easier to assist others.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
8/10/2016 09:45:49 pm

Hello Bob,

thank you for your comment.

I'm pleased to hear that this has made a difference to your life.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Abu
13/12/2016 08:25:44 pm

Really reflective and informative read, helpful by all means to the relevant readers...!

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
17/12/2016 10:58:21 am

Hello Abu,

thank you for your feedback.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Shubhamitra
22/2/2017 05:45:16 pm

The article agrees with me in every way.Everyday i feel i am nobody but a hypocrite.Thanks for putting in words what we all go through.I have realised my problems and have started working on it .

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
23/2/2017 10:19:34 am

Hello Shubhamitra,

thank you for your comment. I am glad that the article has assisted you.

All the best,

Oliver

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