People Pleasing: Why Do Some People Believe That They Need To Please Others In Order To Survive?

At the start of someone’s life, their survival would have depended upon their caregivers. As a result of this, they wouldn’t have had much control during this stage of their life.

A Different Scenario

However, as the years passed and they grew into an adult, their survival would no longer depend on their caregivers. Along with this, the amount of control that they have over their life would have increased.

This is likely to be a time when it is not necessary for them to please the people around them, but this wouldn’t have been the case when they were growing up. It could then be said that while one used to be a helpless child, they are now an empowered adult.

The Right Nutrients

This wouldn’t have taken please unless one received what they need to receive to grow into an empowered adult, though. Just as a seed will need the right amount of water and sunlight, for instance, to grow, one would have needed their caregivers to meet their developmental needs.  

There may have been moments when this didn’t take place, but over all, this would have been the exception. A tree can also go without water once in a while, but it would soon suffer if this happened on a regular basis.

A Gradual Process

A caregiver could be seen as serving a similar function to that which a cane serves while a tree is developing its strength. The cane is providing support for the tree, and, over time, the tree will be able to support itself.

Now, a caregiver has a far bigger role to play than a cane does, yet a child is just as depend on their caregiver as the tree is on the cane. If the cane isn’t there, the tree won’t grow in the right way, and the same could be said for a child, when consistent care is not provided.

Another Experience

If, on the other hand, someone didn’t have a childhood where they received what they needed, but they have a strong sense of self, it is likely to show that they had to build themselves up. As an adult, they would have given themselves what they caregiver’s were unable to give them as a child.

Perhaps this was a time when they were neglected and/or abused, meaning that they would have suffered greatly. Fortunately, they will have been able to move through what happened and to create a fulfilling life.

A Purposeful Life

So, regardless of whether one received what they needed as a child or gave themselves what they needed as an adult, they are likely to be in tune with their own needs. Not only this, they will feel safe enough to play attention to them.

What will play a big part here is that one will have strong boundaries, which is why they will feel safe enough to express their true-self. Consequently, there will be no reason for them to focus on other people’s needs.

Balance

This doesn’t mean that one will only think about themselves and not have time to be there for others. What it means is that they won’t have the tendency to neglect their own needs.

Through paying attention to their own needs and giving themselves what they need to thrive, they will be able to truly be there for others. Also, by focusing on their own needs, they will be able to assist others in the process.

For Example

One could have built up a business that takes care of other peoples nutritional needs. It may have taken them a number of years to get to this point, but it will have been worth the effort.

If they hadn’t focussed on their own needs, it would have stopped them for being able to provide this service. This is then an example of how one can focus on their own needs and assist other people in the process.
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Another Reality

While this is how some people experience life, there are going to be others who are unable relate to this. Someone’s whole life can then revolve around pleasing others, with this being something that feels comfortable.

Yet, even though this can be what feels comfortable, it doesn’t mean that this won’t cause them to experience a lot of anger, frustration, and pain. Part of them can have the need to fulfil their own needs, while another part of them can have the need to focus on other people’s needs.

Inner Conflict

The need that is the strongest will be the need to please others, which is why they behave in this way. Physically, they will look like an adult, but emotionally, they can feel like a dependent child.

This part of them can believe that the only way they can survive is to do what other people want, or what they think they want. From the outside, one will look like an individual, but on the inside, one will feel like they are emotionally enmeshed to others.

Covered Up

Their survival brain will make sure that they don’t act like an autonomous human being, thereby forcing them to come across as though they are an extension of others. The self that they show to others will be a false-self.

This will change when they feel safe enough to listen to their true-needs and feelings, and then to express what is taking place within them. What this will do is allow them to live a fulfilling life.

The Cause
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When one experiences life in this way, it is likely to show that they didn’t get what they needed when they were growing up. Instead of receiving the love, nurturance and care that they need to develop, they may have had to focus on their caregivers needs.

One would then have been neglected, and they may have been physically abused, too. This would have been a traumatising time, so it is to be expected that they don’t feel safe enough to exist. 

Awareness
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If one can relate to this, and they want to express their true-self, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk