Perfectionism: Can Someone Have The Need To Be Perfect If They Experienced Early Deprivation?6/9/2023
Even though someone is an imperfect human being, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. Thus, they won’t be able to accept that making mistakes and getting things wrong is part of the human experience.
Naturally, this is going to cause them to experience a lot of unnecessary pressure. The trouble is that if this is what is normal, it won’t be something that stands out and so they won’t be able to do anything about it. One Part As a result of this, they can believe that if they learn something new, they need to get it right more or less straight away. What may help is that they could be a very fast learner, making it easy for them to pick things up. What this will do is minimise the mistakes that they make. But, even if they are, there are still likely to be times when they are unable to understand something and don’t get everything right. Self-Protection After they have made a mistake, they could end up feeling ashamed and have the need to hide what has taken place. What this will do is stop them from reaching out for help and it could cause them to suffer in silence. Additionally, they won’t be able to move forward as fast as they would if they were to make it clear that they are unable to do something. Deep down, they could believe that if they were to open up about what is going on for them, they would be criticised, humiliated and rejected. A Deep Hole To take a step back, along with feeling ashamed after they have made a mistake, they could feel like a failure. Instead of being kind and compassionate towards themselves, then, they will lay into themselves. After this, they can feel very low and they might lose the desire to do anything. Before long, though, they could soon rise up again and go back to trying to get something right. Another Part Along with trying to get things right and hiding their mistakes, they could avoid doing certain things. When this happens, they could be aware that they will struggle to do something and not even take the next step. This will stop them from being able to freely express themselves but it will also be a way for them to protect themselves. They will believe that they have far more to lose by trying certain things than by not trying them. A Strange Scenario After a while, they could get to the point where they no longer have the energy or the desire to behave in this way. What could soon enter their mind is why they are unable to accept that making mistakes and not getting everything right is part of life. Furthermore, they could wonder why they are so hard on themselves when they do make a mistake. It will be clear that they are not their own best friend; they are their own worst enemy. A Closer Look If they were to think about and explore what took place during their formative years, they may find that this was a time when one or both of their parents were very critical and even cruel. Thus, if they made a mistake and didn’t get something right, they might have often been heavily criticised and humiliated. What they did do right would then have typically been overlooked and what they didn’t do right would have typically been the point of focus. Ultimately, their parent or parents wouldn’t have been able to love them unconditionally. The Message They would have sent them the message that they would only be accepted if they were perfect. And, even when they did do something right, there might have still been moments when they were criticised. Their parent or parents might have also been unable to acknowledge when they made a mistake and made out that they themselves were perfect. When they did make a mistake, they might have blamed someone else or done their best to hide it. Straight In As they were egocentric during this stage of their life, in addition to being deeply wounded, they would have personalised what took place. It was then not that their parent or parents were deeply wounded and were projecting their own disowned shame into them; no, it was that there was something inherently wrong with them and they were unlovable. Moreover, how their parent or parents spoke to them when they made a mistake would have been internalised. This is largely why they won’t have a kind and supportive inner voice. A Key Point Regardless of how they were treated, the truth is that there is nothing inherently wrong with them and they are not unlovable. Also, they deserve to be loving and supportive to themselves when they make a mistake. The reason for this is that they are an imperfect human being; they are not a superhero. It is by making mistakes that they will be able to learn new things and grow. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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