There are many fears that human beings can have and some of these are classed as real and parts of one’s ability to survive and others are seen as self made and have very little to do with ones survival.
And the fear of rejection is often classed as a fear that is irrational and not based in reality. In most cases as an adult, it is unlikely that anything too harmful is going to happen if one is rejected. One’s life is not likely to come to an end and they will live for another day.
But while this if often the case and nothing too harmful does take place, it is often irrelevant; because this fear can cause so many problems in someone’s life. It can stop them from going towards what they truly want and need and cause them to stay where they are in life.
For these people, it is not a fear that is slightly distressing or has little impact on their life; it is something that is overwhelming. Their life is then defined and ruled by this the fear of rejection.
On the surface this is going to have the potential to cause mild, to extreme frustration, anger and hopelessness. There will be some things in one’s life that will be put off for a short time and there will be others that are forever put off.
Progress is then something that either happens on the odd occasion or it never happens. And one then ends up being stuck at a certain level of growth and development. To miss out on certain opportunities and chances could become the norm.
This could relate to some areas of one’s life or cover just about every area. One is therefore unlikely to feel too empowered or connected to life and the world around them. To see other people go after what they want and get it, might be a common occurrence.
And further enhance their sense of despair and that they have no control over what they do or don’t do.
Perhaps one thinks that they haven’t got what it takes to go after what they want and that other people have something they don’t have for instance. There could be people who tell them to move beyond their fear of rejection and while that sounds easier enough at an intellectual level, it is something that can be far from easy at an emotional level.
This could be a fear that is simply dismissed as just a feeling and that there is nothing more to it. And while it is intended to make one feel better about it and move beyond it, it can just result in them feeling weak and lacking something.
When it comes to women, this fear might be more acceptable than it is for men. For women it could be seen as understandable and therefore cause them to be given some kind of support or encouragement.
But for men, it could be seen as a sign or weakness and that the man lacks courage. So a woman could end up feeling that this is normal and a man could see it as something to be ashamed off.
And this is going to be something that can affect every area of one’s life. If this doesn’t relate to all areas and only relates to one, it might not be as bad. And yet at the same time, this one area could impact every other. So it won’t necessarily matter how pervasive this is, what matters is how strong the fear of rejection is.
The key area is going to be relationships. And this one’s relate to ones career, friends and relationships with the opposite sex. To move up in ones career or to ask for some kind of pay rise might be sabotaged through one fearing rejection.
And the same can apply to one asking for what they want and need in a relationship and speaking their truth. Perhaps one sees an attractive person that they want to talk to or who they know and would like to takes things further.
But in each in each of these situations, their fear of rejection takes over and nothing ever happens.
A Closer look
For the individual that has a fear of rejection that is overwhelming and out of balance, it is highly likely that it is more than just a feeling that they are experiencing. What it could be is a whole body experience and something that consumes them.
And when the feeling of rejection is being experienced or about to be experienced, there is going to be something more to it. Rejection is on the surface and is just one level; what is deeper than the fear of rejection, is that it will mean to this person to be rejected.
Although one is physically an adult, it doesn’t mean that they feel like one emotionally. And this is due to someone being emotionally stuck at a certain age or time in their life. So to look at rejection through the eyes of an adult, it becomes clear that generally nothing to troubling is going to happen.
And yet if one were to look at rejection through the eyes of a child, it is evident that rejection is a matter of life or death. To not receive the right nurturance and attention from ones caregiver, could have resulted in an experience or many experiences that were traumatic.
If these feelings were allowed to be released through their caregivers being emotional available, it wouldn’t be a problem. However, if they are not dealt with, they could have stayed in one’s body.
So although one physically grows, emotionally they can still feel like they did all those years ago. And whenever one is in a situation where they want something from another, these trapped feelings and emotions will rise up once again. It doesn’t matter then what the other person does or doesn’t do, as these feelings are inside one’s body and will therefore be triggered in one way or another.
To look at this logically, it is obvious that one is overreacting and yet if they are still carrying all this emotional pain from the past, then how else would they feel? To engage in self blame or to see oneself as lacking something, is not helpful and it is not accurate either.
They are simply acting in ways that are a consequence of what has built up within them and what needs to be released from their body. These trapped feelings and emotions can be released with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who allows one to face them and gradually release them.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.