Relationships: Are People Entitled To Get Revenge On Their Ex?

One could be with someone and believe that they are the one, and in the next moment it could all be over. They could also be with someone who doesn’t have the same effect and then before long, this person is no longer part of their life.

How close one feels to another person won’t necessarily define how they will feel when a relationship comes to an end. A sense of loss can arise even if one was in a relationship that needed to end.

This could be because the other person was abusive or unhealthy, or it might just come down to the fact that one no longer feels attracted to the other person. In this case, one has changed and they are not the person they used to be.

It could also be the other way around, and one might have been abusive or unhealthy and this caused the other person to leave them. Their partner may have changed and was therefore no longer attracted to them.

Change

Nothing lasts forever and if one is in a relationship that is not life enhancing, this is going to be seen as a good thing. If, on the other hand, they are in a relationship that is life enhancing or makes them feel good at certain times, it could be seen as a ‘bad’ thing.

One has then lost someone who was having positive influence on their life and there is nothing they can do about it. That is unless the other person changes their mind through choice or one manages to convince them to come back.

The Outcome

If the other person comes back, it might mean that their relationship continues as it was or that it gets even better. The loss that one experienced is then put to an end and one is able to feel good once more.

Yet, if the other person doesn’t come back, one is going to have to face how they feel or to find a way to change how they feel. This could cause one to find someone else to take away the pain. The other person could be in their life for a few hours or one could find themselves in another relationship.

Processing The Pain

Another option would be for one to face their pain directly and to process how they feel. The pain that one is experiencing might go beyond what is currently taking place in their life, and could include emotional pain that has not been processed from their childhood.

By working through this pain, one is not going to be taking it into their next relationship or letting the pain define how they behave. When this pain is not dealt with, one could find themselves in the same situation all over again or they could end up acting in a way that is destructive.

The Power Of Emotions

When one’s relationship comes to an end or something happens that could put it at the risk of coming to an end, it could be hard for them to maintain their ability to think clearly. No matter how rational they normally are, their emotions could end up taking over.

Their thinking brain could end up being out of action and their emotions and survival instincts have taken over. With their ability to think no longer available, anything could happen.

An Individual

Before one met the other person, they may have seen that they were a separate person but as time passed and they became closer to them, they might have seen them as an extension of themselves. This can then cause one to overlook the fact that the other person is an Individual with their own needs, feelings and thoughts, for instance.

When the relationship comes to an end or if the other person goes with another person while they’re still in the relationship, one can end up feeling betrayed. This could be described as a natural response; especially if one has been with the other person for a while or felt close to them.

Emotional Containment

However, just because one feels a certain way it doesn’t mean that they should act on how they feel or that it reflects what is taking place. The feelings might have more to do with how they felt as a child than what is currently taking place.

What this means is that unless one has emotionally separated from their primary caregiver, they could see other people as an extension of themselves. When one sees the person they are with as an extension of themselves and not as an individual, they can feel as though the other person belongs to them.

Regression

This is similar to how they would have viewed their primary caregiver whilst growing up. Here, one wouldn’t have had boundaries and therefore wouldn’t have realised that their caregiver had their own thoughts, feelings and needs.

Physically one is no longer a child but how they feel can reflect how they felt as a child. Through feeling as though the other person belongs to them, the sense of betrayal that they feel can be taken even further.

Revenge

One can then use their mind to justify why the other person deserves to be taught a lesson. As one feels as they do, they are then entitled to do what they need to do to get back at the other person for leaving them, cheating on them or something similar.

However, other people are not completely responsible for one feels and one doesn’t own other people either. If one seeks revenge on someone who cheated on them or who is simply no longer interested in them, they are violating them. As Ghandi once said - An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind".

Awareness

One approach would be for one to own how they feel and for them to process their feelings. This is not to say that one accepts or approves of how the other person has behaved what it means is that they take responsibility for their own feelings.

If this is the option that one decides to take, they might need the assistance of a therapist, healer or a trusted friend. It could also mean that one needs to express how they feel to the other person but this can be done in a way that doesn’t cause one to lose their dignity.  

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/