When one first meets another person and starts to feel attracted to them, they will have started to form certain associations around what they are like and what they are not like. This whole process is likely to take place out of one’s awareness and happen fairly rapidly.
Once these are formed, they are going to define, in most cases, how one perceives the other person. And as the beginning of a relationship is often made up of illusions, it won’t matter if they are accurate or not.
These associations can easily go on to become what the other person is like. And if they do match up with the other person and are not a complete fabrication, then the contrast that does appear later on won’t be too extreme.
However, if the ideas that one has formed, in relation to the other, do not match up and are actually way off, then one is going to be in for a shock. This could be fairly mild or it could be so far removed from how they have seen the other, that it’s not possible for them to realise it.
And this is not because one is incapable of seeing reality for what it is; it is due to how powerful the mind is. The mind can be programmed to see anything and it won’t matter if it relates to how something really is or not.
So through having met someone who is one way and having created ideas of what they are like on the other side, it could lead to challenges. It could be said that it is human nature to want another person to match up with ones ideals and if they don’t, one will try to mould them into them.
This is to be expected and through one seeing another in certain way, they might even step up to this outlook and gradually change. But these are likely to be subtle changes and not relate to anything to significant.
This would be too extreme and would not respect another person’s boundaries. The more the other person differs from how one sees them, the greater the need is going to be to change them into someone else or one will have to face reality.
So if one constantly finds themselves in a position where the person they are attracted to, doesn’t turn out to be who they thought they were, then they are engaging in a lot of projection.
And this doesn’t mean that there is something inherently wrong with them, it just means that they need to look within themselves. To look at what they need to realise and what they need to let go off in order for them to see others more for who they are, as opposed to who they want them to be.
As this whole process can go on out of ones awareness, it can mean that one is not completely sure as to how they continually see in others what they haven’t got. And in some cases, these will reflect things that another person cannot give them, no matter who they are.
So another person can come across as strong, extroverted and having it all together. One then comes to associate this person as secure, grounded and being someone who is supportive and reliable. And while this could be true, it could also just be an act and while the front is there, the substance is nowhere to be found.
One could meet someone who shows certain signs of being loving and caring. Perhaps they are attentive, interested or quiet simply just show them attention. But, as time passes, it becomes clear that this doesn’t reflect their true character and they only show this side when they want something.
Now, if this has happened on a regular basis, one might feel like giving up altogether and have come to the conclusion that everyone is the same. They could even have become angry at the opposite sex for how they have been treated.
And although this will give one a release and allow them to vent, it won’t necessarily lead to progress. This is something that can be made through one facing their projections directly; becoming aware of what they continually project onto others.
A Deeper Look
So there will be two sides to this: on one side will be why one continually attracts a certain type of person and on the other, will be if another can give them what they have been expecting from them.
This will involve one looking into why they attract the people they do. Now, the people we attract into our life typically appear because they are familiar and what is familiar is what is classed as safe to the ego mind.
At a conscious level these people might not be healthy or a match and yet unconsciously, they are who one feels comfortable with. And this could go back to ones childhood years and as a result of trapped feeling and beliefs, one continues to attract people who are not right for them.
Here, one could be looking for others to fulfil needs that can’t be met and that need to be grieved and released or that relate to needs that one needs to take care of themselves. This can happen through one not getting certain needs met as a child and although they have physically grown up, their emotional self has stayed the same.
So this part of them could be looking for another to always be there for them and to always love them for instance. And while a child has needs that need to be met unconditionally, as an adult, other people are going to be more conditional. This means that certain needs that one has can relate to childhood needs and may need to be faced and healed.
Each of one of us is different and so one will need to look into what needs to change for them. Once someone knows what needs to change, then something can be done. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be required or some kind of coach.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.