If one is in a position where they want to start a new relationship, they could have a clear idea about what they are looking for. In fact, they could say that they want someone who is perfect.
One might believe that it is only a matter of time before they will meet someone who fits their criteria. However, even if they do have this outlook in the beginning, it is unlikely to last for very long.
What this comes down to is the fact that it is not going to be possible for them to meet someone who is perfect. And the only reason why they would believe that another person is perfect during the early stages of a relationship is because of what is taking place within them.
Out of Touch
During this time, one is going to have an idealised view of the other person, and this is going to stop them from being able to have a balanced perspective. The view they have of them is going to be partly influenced by what they haven’t developed within themselves.
For example, if one doesn’t love themselves, they can end up seeing another person as someone who will love them unconditionally. They are then going to be there for them no matter what.
And even though this person can come across in this way, this is likely to show that they are also looking for someone to love them unconditionally. The difference is that this person will come across as though they have it all together.
Through being there for someone else, they will believe that this will allow them to have their needs met indirectly. On the other hand, one is open about what it is that they want, and this is what causes them to attract someone who isn’t.
The Icing Melts Away
But as time passes, and the other person begins to change their behaviour, it will be only too clear that they are not perfect. One might then see that they still have a connection and a number of things in common, or they may see that there is nothing there.
When it relates to the former, there is going to be the opportunity for the relationship to continue and for them to work through the challenges that arise. Even so, one could believe that there is someone out there who is perfect, and it might cause them to end the relationship.
Going Round in Circles
Perhaps this is the first time that they have been in a relationship, and so they are unaware of the fact that no one is perfect. Yet if this isn’t the case, it could show that they are unable to face reality.
Part of them is going to believe that there is someone out there who is perfect and this is going to stop them from being able to pay attention to what keeps taking place. It could then be said that the sooner one is able to face reality, the sooner their life will change for the better.
A New Beginning
If this was to occur, one might begin to see that there are things someone can provide and things that they can’t. Now, this is not to say that they should just go with anyone, as this is going to be no better.
Another part of this process can be for one to look into the effect that their childhood has had on them. What they may see is that they are looking for another adult to give them what they didn’t get when they were younger.
Therefore, even though they will look like an adult, this area of their life is going to be viewed from the eyes of a child. It is then not going to matter that they are now an adult, as the wounded child within them is going to have a lot of control.
This can be a time when one will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs, and this will have an effect on what they expect from someone. One will have a greater understanding of the needs that another person can fulfil and the needs that they can’t fulfil.
In addition to this, one might see that tolerance is also important in a relationship, and this comes down to the fact that the other person has their own reality. They are going to have their own feelings, needs and points of view, amongst other things.
Being able to put themselves in the other persons shoes, so to speak, and to accept that they are not always going to agree on everything will be vital. This shows how important it is to have boundaries, as this will allow one to realise that other people are not an extension of them.
A Different Experience
Nevertheless, while one can expect too much, they can also be in a position where they don’t expect enough. Accordingly, one can have the tendency to end up with people who treat them badly.
Instead of paying attention to what is taking place within them and tuning into what is taking place for the other person, they could completely overlook their own needs, feelings and points of view. Their priority will be to please the person they are with, and this is naturally going to have a negative effect on their life.
Not the Problem
One is then not going to be someone who needs to become more tolerant; they are going to be someone who needs to tone this part of them down. Behaving in this way is causing them to be abused by others.
And as they are tolerating this kind of behaviour, there is going to be no reason for another person to change. Ultimately, one is going to be fuelling their behaviour and, until they are able to draw the line, they will continue to suffer unnecessarily.
What this shows is that there is a time to be tolerant and a time to be intolerant. But if one can only embrace one side of the spectrum, it is going to cause them problems, and it won’t matter if they are tolerant or intolerant.
If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.