Relationships: Can Developmental Trauma Cause Someone To Expect To Be Left?

If someone has recently got into a relationship, they could spend a lot of time worrying that their partner will leave them. Now, this could be something that they keep to themselves or they could share it with them.

Having this fear will make it hard for them to relax and they can end up being very clingy. They could then spend a lot of time messaging their partner and calling them and it will be hard for them to focus on other areas of their life.

Weighed Down

Thanks to this, their partner could end up feeling smothered by them and have the need to keep their distance. As a result of this, they could end up putting in even more effort and pushing their partner even further away.
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But, although how they are behaving will be undermining their relationship, they might not be aware of this. If, then, their partner does end up cutting their ties with them, they could end up being in a very bad way.

The Fall Out

This can be a time when they will feel deeply alone and abandoned and they might even feel as though their life is going to end; that’s how much pain they will be in. To handle this pain, they could up shutting down and lose touch with how they feel.

Before long, though, they could end up looking for another person to be with. If this does take place, it might not be long until the same thing or something very similar, takes place.

A Common Occurrence

If they were to look back on their life, they may find that this is something that has taken place on a number of occasions. There may have also been moments when certain friends have just disappeared too.

So, in general, when one of their relationships comes to an end, it will be something that has a big effect on them. The end of a relationship will be something that greatly wounds them and makes it hard for them to function.

How It Is

What might stand out at this point is that they expect other people to leave them, and they might see that this is how they have been for quite some time. They could come to the conclusion that this is how their life will always be.

With this going on inside them, it is not going to be much of a surprise if they feel deeply helpless and hopeless. This area of their life won’t be very fulfilling and, as far as they are concerned, they won’t be able to do anything about it.

Going Deeper

If it was put forward to them that they are playing a part in what is going on, they could end up dismissing what has been said. They could say that they want to be in an intimate relationship and for people to stay around.

However, while this is what is going on at a conscious level, there is a strong chance that there is something very different going on at an unconscious level. Deep down, they can believe that they are not worthy of being loved and having anyone around who is truly there for them.

Self-Sabotage

When they are in a relationship, without being aware of it, they will do what they can to push another person away. The outcome of this, of course, is that they will feel rejected, worthless and abandoned and perhaps as though their death is imminent.

By feeling unworthy of being loved and cared for, they won’t feel comfortable having another person around. Once they have become aware of this, they could wonder why they are this way.

Back In Time

What this may illustrate is that their developmental years were not very nurturing. This may have been a stage of their life when they were often neglected and when they were given attention, it may have largely been misattuned care.

By being deprived of the care that they needed, they would have been deeply traumatised and they wouldn’t have been able to develop a felt sense of worth or love. Their brain would have automatically repressed how they felt and they would have gone into a shut-down, collapsed, frozen and disconnected state.

Replaying The Past

So, as they were left at a stage of their life when they needed the right care for their brain and being to develop in the right way, being left was bound to have harmed them. And, as they were egocentric and thus, personalised what took place, it was to be expected that this would be seen as a reflection of their worth and how lovable they are.

What took place will be over but they will continue to re-experience what took place all those years ago; the people will be different but how they feel will be the same. Yet, as their brain will have repressed the pain that they experienced to keep them alive and their conscious mind will have forgotten all about it, they won’t have been able to join the dots, so to speak.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk