Relationships: Can Developmental Trauma Make It Hard For Someone To Be Present In A Relationship?

Right now, someone may be in an intimate relationship and while this may be something that they have wanted to experience for quite some time, it doesn’t mean that they are finding it easy. Instead, they could find that they are finding it harder and harder to be present and to stay connected to how they feel.

As a result of this, they will experience a fair amount of pressure and stress. Along with this, there will be how their partner responds to what is going on, and how they respond will largely depend on the inner wounds they are carrying.

The Law of Resonance

The reason for this is that they won’t just have randomly ended up in a relationship with each other. No, they will have been drawn together because there is an energetic match between them.

Now, part of what will make up this match will be the inner wounds that both of them are carrying. With this understanding in place, it will allow both of them to work through the inner wounds that arise and to become more integrated and whole human beings in the process.

Unaware

Without this understanding in place, it can be normal for both of them to blame each other for the problems that arise. Or, for one person to blame the other and for the other person to feel at fault for just about everything that goes wrong.

Naturally, what this won’t do is allow either of them to grow and develop, and if they were to break up after a while, both of them could end up re-creating the same scenario all over again. This outcome can be likely, in part, due to the fact that they are likely to live in a society where human beings are typically seen as passive observers of reality and what is going on out there is the issue.

Moving On

Anyway, when they are around their partner and they find it hard to be present and connected to how they feel, their priority can be to get away and to have some space. This can be a time when they are totally confused and don’t understand what is going on.

They will have what they have wanted but, now that they have it, they won’t be able to accept it. Not being able to be present and connected to how they feel can cause them to feel frustrated and angry, along with the anxiety and fear that arises.

A Natural Outcome

If their partner starts to believe that they are losing interest at this point, it won’t be much of a surprise. As not only will they create this impression and not express how they feel about them but, as what is going on is so confusing and if they are experiencing a lot of fear and even terror, they might not be able to express what is going on for them.

What is likely to also play a part here is that as they are finding it hard to be present, their ability to think clearly has been undermined. In a lot of cases, then, they won’t be very conscious.

One Consequence

After a while, their relationship could end up coming to an end and while this will most likely cause them to experience a fair amount of pain, and even a sense of relief from the pain that they were in, it can also give them the opportunity to change their life. Being curious at this time will be essential as this will allow them to gradually move forward.

If they were to take this step, what they may soon realise is that how they were in the relationship is nothing new; it is just that this experience has brought into their focus how they generally are. For so long, they will have been able to overlook how they are but being in an intimate relationship will have brought it to their attention.

The Norm

When they are around their friends, for instance, it probably won’t matter how present they are and they might not need to express their feelings. Ultimately, how they are won’t be an issue in this area of their life.

Yet, as more was expected of them in an intimate relationship, it was to be expected that they would struggle. As to why they find it hard to be present and connected to how they feel, this can be due to what took place during their formative years.

Back In Time

From the moment they were born, they may have often been neglected and when they were given attention, it may have largely been misattuned care. Not receiving the care that they needed would have greatly wounded them.

Their underdeveloped brain and nervous system would not have been equipped to handle what was going on. Their only option was to automatically repress how they felt and to go into a shut-down, collapsed, frozen and disconnected state.

The past is present

This stage of their life will be over but their brain and body won’t have truly moved on. These parts of them will see life as a threat, stopping them from being able to be in their body and connected how they feel and their needs and making a hard for them to be present in the process.

In addition to this, they will be carrying the pain and arousal that their system had to repress all those years ago. Taking this into account, changing this area of their life won’t just be a case of them changing their behaviour; they will have a lot of inner material to work through and a nervous system that gradually needs to settle down, in order for them to inhabit their body and take life in.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk