Relationships: Can Developmental Trauma Take Away Someone’s Desire To Attach To Others?

Just because someone is an interdependent human being, it doesn’t mean that they will act like one. They can spend a lot of time by themselves and have very little if any interest in being around others.

This is not to say that they won’t have any friends but it is likely that they won’t be very close to or see them very often. And, if they do see one of their friends, it could show that this friend reached out to them.

One Area

When it comes to what they do for a living, they could work with others or by themselves. But, even if they do work with others, they might not have to deal with the public or do a great deal of talking.

This could be a sign that they work with computers, are a scientist, a gardener or drive for a living, for instance. Their time around others is then going to be nominal and, once they have finished working, they could typically end up spending time by themselves.

One Focus

During this time, they could end up watching TV, reading a book or playing a game on a computer. It is unlikely that they will feel the need to connect to another person, whether that is a friend or to experience intimacy with someone they are attracted to.

This can be how each day will generally play out and their life might have been this way for a very long time. Based on how they usually behave, they will create the impression that they don’t need others.

Different

Unlike others, then, they will have mental and physical needs but that will be about as far as it usually goes. What they won’t have are emotional needs and this is why they won’t have the need to be around and connect deeply with others.

Or, perhaps, they will rarely have these needs and this is why they will seldom reach out to others. There is a chance that they have never been in an intimate relationship and have no interest in having one either.

Another Scenario

Then again, they might have been in at least one relationship, and this was a time when they felt deeply uncomfortable. They might have soon felt trapped and had the need to get away.

In fact, this might have taken place on more than one occasion and they might have decided to stay single forever. Being this way, however, is going to deprive them of the human contact that they need to truly thrive.

A Bleak Existence

One of the ways that they are likely to pay the price for not experiencing enough human contact is through often having a deep sense of being alone. They might often have the sense that they are not strongly rooted in anything and feel extremely anxious as a result.

What they could also be consumed by, during this time, is the sense that life has no meaning and they could think about ending their life. Yet, to change what is going on for them, they could engage in some kind of activity or consume something to settle themselves down.

What’s going on?

If, after suffering in this for many, many years they were to get to the point of no return and took a step back, they might wonder why they are this way. They could struggle to understand why they rarely have the need to be around others, let alone be in an intimate relationship, and why, when they do end up in a relationship, assuming that they have been in at least one, they feel trapped and as though they are going to be annihilated.

To understand why they are this way, it will be a good idea for them to take a closer look at what took place during their formative years. This is likely to have been a time when they were deeply traumatised, with their nervous system being overwhelmed in the process.

Back In Time

So, from the moment they were born, they may have often been left and when they were given attention, it might have largely been misattuned care. At this stage of their life, they needed a parent who was able to attune to their needs, to allow them to be fed, held and sleep at the right times.

As this didn’t take place, they were deeply wounded and ended up disconnected from themselves in order to handle what was going on. In others words, they became a fractured and divided human being to survive a brutal stage of their life.

A Natural Response

They were powerless and totally dependent, so it wasn’t possible for them to change what was going on externally, their only option was to automatically adapt to their environment. Throughout this time, they would have felt deeply alone and as though they were going to be annihilated and die.

But, as they were unable to face how they felt and this experience had to be repressed, it will be re-experienced whenever they end up in a relationship. Thanks to them unconsciously projecting their caregiver onto another person, they will believe that this person is making them feel this way.

It's Over

At a deeper level, they won’t know that this stage of their life is over and that they now have the ability to protect themselves. On one level, then, it will be clear that they are now an adult as opposed to a helpless infant, but, this is something that they will need to know at a deeper level for their life to change.

It is going to take time for them to settle their nervous system down, develop a felt sense of safety and security and develop boundaries. This is why they will need to be courageous and patient and persistent.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk