Whether someone is in a relationship with another person or not, they are still going to experience pain. This could relate to certain disagreements that one has with the person they are in a relationship with on one side and on the other, it could include different kinds of abuse for instance.
And for the person that is not in a relationship, their pain could relate to the experience of feeling lonely, unlovable and that it is not possible for them to find a companion. Ultimately, these are examples of where one is in a position where their needs and wants are not being met.
At times, this could be because the other person is not compatible or because they are abusive. And at other times, these are not going to be met because one is single and therefore has no one around to meet them.
But even if one is not in an intimate relationship, they are likely to have other kinds of relationships. This could be with friends, family or colleagues for example.
Ones needs and wants are not going to be the same in these types of relationships as they would be in an intimate relationship, but there will be certain needs and wants that are the same. Within these other types of relationships, one could still end up being compromised, abused and/or come to the conclusion that they are not compatible.
When something doesn’t work it is normal to look for answers as to why it doesn’t work and then to seek a solution. And through finding a solution, it might soon be possible for one to fix what wasn’t working.
If they can’t find a way to fix what wasn’t working, then it might mean that they have to let go of what wasn’t working and to find another option. Alternatively, one could just leave something as it is and do nothing about it.
Now, if one was to take the first approach in their relationships, they would soon find that they will improve or they will just let go of a relationship that is not working and attract someone who is more compatible.
This is not to say that this process will be free from pain; what it does mean is that one will grow and their relationships are inevitably going to develop. The same experiences won’t get played out over and over again, and neither would one stay in a relationship that wasn’t working.
If one was to stay in a relationship that wasn’t working and not do anything about it then it is not going to improve. In fact, it could get a lot worse and this is going to cause even more pain.
One could just leave a relationship that is not working and they might end up in one that is better for them. But then again, they could end up in a relationship that is just as bad, if not worse. One may then avoid pain for a short time and then before long, they are back experiencing it once more.
Two Types Of Pain
There are then two types of pain that one can experience. The first is the type of pain that one experiences through being in relationships that are unhealthy or through trying to avoid the people or the situations that are causing them to experience pain. This type of pain can go on forever and won’t just disappear.
On the other side of this is the pain that one will experience when they face their relationships challenges head on. Here, one doesn’t just focus on what is taking place externally; they will also place their attention on what is taking place internally.
The first type of pain is going to create stress and ones relationships are not necessarily going to improve as a result of experiencing it. However, when one faces the pain that they are experiencing on the inside their relationships will gradually start to improve.
Pain is often seen as something that should be avoided and in some cases it should be. If one was to put their hand on something hot it is going to be best for them to move their hand away. In this situation, one is avoiding pain and it is in their best interests.
When it comes to emotional pain the same need can be there to avoid it. And while one can believe that it is possible for them to avoid this pain, all the time this pain remains within them it is going to affect their life.
So one might be aware of this inner pain or they may have become disconnected from it, but it won’t matter if they are aware of it or not; as it will still influence their life. This pain can cause one to re-experience the same relationship patterns and to experience conflict.
For example, one might find that they are attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable, abusive or who are unable to love then, amongst other things. The people who they meet may look different, but one ends up feeling the same.
Where Does It Come From?
The pain that one experiences within them can be from their adult years and due to what happened during their childhood. Time is often regarded as a great healer and yet, just because one is no longer a child it doesn’t mean that their childhood pain has just healed by itself.
Whether it relates to ones adult pain or the pain they experienced as a child, it will need to be faced and processed. This might not sound very appealing and if there was no benefit to facing ones pain, then there wouldn’t be any point in doing it.
When one faces their pain their relationship will begin to improve and if they don’t, then one will let go of what doesn’t serve them and attract people who reflect the changes that are being made within them.
Part of facing ones emotional pain can involve grief work and working through ones unmet childhood needs. The assistance of a therapist or a healer might be needed here.
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Oliver J R Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.