When a relationships ends, there is the chance that it will lead to one experiencing a lot of emotional pain. There is also the chance that one will be quiet happy with what has happened and although there may be a mild sense of loss for example, they will soon settle down and be on their way.
It will depend on numerous factors as to how one feels when they experience the end of a relationship. Just because their relationship has finished, it doesn’t mean that it hadn’t finished a long time ago.
One could have physically been with the other person, but mentally and emotionally checked out for instance. Perhaps it had come to its natural end and one knew that it would end soon.
There is also the chance that the relationship they were in was nothing more than a rebound. And as they hadn’t let go of their previous relationship/s, they were unable to fully embrace the other person. So whether they are in this person life is then irrelevant, as they are still caught up in the past.
When the emotional pain of one’s past has not been processed, it can reappear when one experiences conflict in a relationship, and when one comes to an end. This emotional pain would have been trapped in one’s body and then all it takes to come to the surface is an internal or external trigger.
This could pain could be from previous relationships, the loss of a loved one or a pet and/or their childhood. Each of these represents a time that has passed; what has remained is the pain that wasn’t processed
The ego mind works by association and this means that when something happens in the present, it will search ones history to find other occurrences that are similar. So one will then be reminded of the times that they experienced any kind of loss in their life.
This whole process can happen unconsciously, but while one might not be aware of the memories that have been located, they will be aware of the feelings, thoughts and sensations that these memories trigger. However, if the emotional charge was no longer in these memories, one wouldn’t experience the same amount of pain.
If the pain was processed, the mind could associate what was happening now to past experiences and very little would happen. It would just be a memory and there would be nothing to pull one in.
So this all comes down to loss and while meeting someone and gradually getting close to them is pleasurable and fulfilling, what usually has a bigger impact on one’s life is when a relationship ends. There are at least two reasons for why this is; one goes back many, many years ago and the other goes back to ones childhood.
During the time when humans were living in caves, it was important that they had enough food. It wasn’t important that they had more than they needed; having enough was all that mattered. If they lost what they needed, it could have resulted in death.
And during ones childhood, being abandoned or left alone at a certain age would feel like death. At this age, one wouldn’t have had the ability to regulate their emotional experience or to survive by themselves. Loss would have been over overwhelming and felt like the end of the world.
So this relates to ones inner experience and what can be taking place within. But while a breakup can be painful due to ones history and what loss means to the ego mind, there are also external factors involved.
Just as the mind will look for situations in ones past that match up with their current loss, it will also have formed associations around everything in their environment. And a lot of these associations are going to relate to the experiences one had with the person they were in a relationship with.
Before one was in a relationship with the other person, ones environment would have had different meanings. But through being around them, new meanings would have been created. This can include: where ones lives; where they used to go together; the people they used to spend time with and different objects.
And all the time one spends their time in these places, around these people or has these objects around them, they will be reminded of the other person. And this can make it harder for one to take their mind off the other person, let alone to move on.
So in order to move on from a breakup, one could let go of some of the external factors that are keeping their mind focused on the other person. In some cases, it might be necessary for one to change where they live in order move on. And other times, just taking a break from where they live for a few days, weeks or every now and then might be enough.
The places that one used to visit with the other person might be best avoided for a while; until their mind has settled down. One might not want to see certain people for a while and this is understandable. There could also be an item of clothing or a certain price of jewellery that will one need to be let go off or put to one side for a while.
These are just a few ideas of what can keep one’s mind focused on another person when a breakup has taken place. The best approach will be for one to think about what it is in their environment that reminds them of the other person. And based on this observation, one can decide what the best course of action is.
Reaching out for support during this time will also be important. This could be through having a friend to talk to or seeking the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach for instance.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.