Relationships: Can Someone End Up With Deeply Wounded People If They Are Out Of Touch With Their Wounds?

If one sees themselves as someone who has got it altogether, or is just in a good place, it can be hard for them to understand why they would end up with someone who is not in a good way. This person is then not just going to have a different personality to them; they won’t be as well adjusted.
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But, while they can now see what this person is like, it doesn’t mean that anything stood out earlier on. When they first met this person, they may have seemed as though they were in a good place.

The Big Deception

Looking back, one can believe that this person put on an act to deceive them, and that once they got closer to them, they started to reveal their true nature. If they were to come to this conclusion, it would be normal for them to get angry and to even resent their partner.

Then again, one may look back on what their partner was like at the beginning and see that the signs were there. Yet, even though the signs were there, they might have just overlooked what they saw.

Drawn In

The reason for this could have been because they were primarily focused on the parts of this person that were ‘good’. As a result of this, it would have caused them to have a lopsided view of them.

This person’s ‘good’ traits will have consumed them, while their ‘bad’ traits will have largely been overlooked. As time passed, then, one would have gradually formed a more balanced view of them.

A Different Place

Now that they have a clear idea about what the other person is like, they may decide that it’s time for them to cut their ties with them. This will be seen as a way for them to find someone who is in a good place.
At the same time, what they may find is that they are strongly attached to this person, meaning that they are unable to just walk away. Staying with them is going to undermine them, but leaving them will be seen as something that is even worse.

A Pattern

However, regardless of whether one is able to walk away or this is something that is hard for them to do, they may find that this is not the first time they have been with someone like this. Going through this once will be enough, but to have been in this position multiple times will be even worse.

If this is the case, one could even believe that this shows that all men/women are the same. Thus, the experiences that they have had will be seen as a clear sign of what men/women are like.

External Support

If this is what takes place, there may be plenty of people in their life who are happy to support what they believe. These people may have been with people who were the same, which means that one’s experiences will also support what they believe.

These people are then going to validate each others beliefs. However, irrespective of how many people support what one believes, it doesn’t mean that what they believe is the truth.

Two Levels

What one may find, that’s if they were to take a deeper look within themselves, is that the people they attract are reflecting back the parts of themselves that they have lost touch with. On the surface one is going to have it altogether, but deep down, this is not going to be the case.

Thanks to the false-self that they have formed, it will have allowed them to come across as strong and capable. If this mask was removed, they would most likely come into contact with a lot of emotional pain.

Disconnected

Their false-self will be something that their mind has created in order for them to avoid the pain that is in their body. To stop them themselves from being overwhelmed by this pain, they will need to live on the surface of themselves.

This will stop them from being able to embrace their true-self, though, as this will be found in their body. Behind the mask that they were is going to be someone who is in a lot of pain, pain that will be expressed by the people they are drawn to.

Repetition Compulsion

The defences that their mind has created over the years will generally stop this pain from coming up to the surface, but this pain could still be triggered when they are in a relationship or when one comes to an end. Their conscious mind will be out of touch with most of their inner wounds, but another part of them, their unconscious mind, will want to heal these wounds.

These wounds are likely to be the result of what took place during their early years, and recreating what took place will be a way for them to become whole. What this illustrates is that one’s conscious mind only plays a small part in who they are drawn to; their unconscious mind plays a far bigger part.  

Awareness

One can only become whole if they are aware of what is taking place and do what they need to do to heal their inner wounds. If they are not aware of what is going on and believe that someone else is the problem, this process is not going to take place.

The outcome of this is that one will be caught up by what is going on externally and unable to see that their external world is mirroring back what is going on in their internal world. If one can relate to this, and they are ready to heal their own wounds, they may need to reach out for the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk