Relationships: Can Someone End Up With People They’re Not Attracted To If They Were Abused As A Child?
Although one can have the desire to be with someone who is right for them, it doesn’t mean that this will take place. One could find that they have the tendency to end up with people who they are not really compatible with.
Alternatively, one could have been with a number of people who were abusive, and this is going to be even worse. This person might be only too happy to end up with people who they are not compatible with.
Due to what they have been through, they are not going to want to put up another person who will treat them in the same way. So, while being with someone who is not a match for them won’t be the ideal, it will be far better than what they have been through.
Still, if one was to take a break and to allow themselves to feel better, they could start to imagine what it would be like to be with someone who is right for them. There would then be no reason for them to put up with someone who they are not compatible with.
If one is used to attracting people who they are not compatible with, this could be an experience that consumes them. In fact, they could believe that this is the worst thing they could experience.
Yet, if they were to end up in an abusive relationship, they could soon realise that this is not actually the case. One would see that this part of their life could be far worse than it already is.
What this comes down to is that if someone is completely absorbed in their own experience and they are unable to take a step back, it will stop them from being able to put things into perspective. On the other hand, when they are able to step back, it will give them the opportunity to do so.
This is not so say that one should be comfortable with what is taking place; what it comes down to is their behaviour can be defined by the outlook they have. For example, if one believes that this area of their life couldn’t be any worse, they could feel like a victim.
It will then be normal for them to feel down and as though there is nothing they can do to change their life. There is then a strong chance that the next person they end up with will be the same, and this will then lead to the same outcome.
When one believes that this part of their life could be worse, it can give them the belief that they need to change their life. Of course, one could believe that they can change this area of their life even if they don’t compare it with what other people are going through.
In general, when one is with someone who is right for them, there is going to be what is taking place in their mind, heart and body. So they will enjoy talking to them, they will have feelings for them, and they will be attracted to them.
Through being this way, they will feel safe enough to be themselves, and this will stop them from having to put on an act around the other person. One could believe that they are meant to be with this person, or they could say that they are their ‘soul mate’.
When the above takes place, each part of them is going to be involved, and it won’t be as if part of them is not on board. This is then going to be radically different to how it would be if their heart didn’t feel connected to the person they were with.
In this case, they might enjoy talking to them and they could even be physically attracted to them, but that will be as far as it goes. Or, one could have feelings for them, but they might not be attracted to them.
In the first example, they may be able to have experiences that are physically rewarding; however, as they don’t have feelings for them, there is a strong chance that this will soon change. And in the second example, one could see the other person as more of a friend than a lover.
Thus, in order for one to have a fulfilling relationship with someone, it will be vital for each part of them to be involved. Still, if one is more concerned with feeling safe than anything else, they can end up they can end up overlooking the rest of their needs.
When they meet someone, the defining factor will be how they feel in their presence. Now, it could be said that this will always be the case; but what will be different is that what is taking place in their heart can be ignored.
There is also the chance that one won’t even be aware of what is taking place in their heart, and this is because they could be emotionally disconnected. Through being with someone like this, there will be less chance of anything bad happening to them.
A Deeper Look
The reason why one’s need to feel safe would take precedence and the rest of their needs would be overlooked can due to what took place when they were younger. This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected.
What this would have done is stopped them from feeling as though it was safe to open up, and they would have come to believe that people can’t be trusted. These early experiences would have had a big effect on them, but they wouldn’t have removed their need to be with someone.
So by being with someone who they feel safe with, it will stop them from having to be by themselves. Their heart won’t be involved and they might not even find them attractive or intellectually stimulating, but they will see them as someone who won’t put them through what they had to experience as a child.
Ultimately, this is likely to give one a sense of control, and this would be something they didn’t experience as a child. Yet as they are with someone who doesn’t meet the rest of their needs, it is going to stop them from experiencing true fulfilment in this area of their life.
If one wants to meet someone who is right for them, they may need to look at what is taking place within them and to work through it. This won’t be easy, but it will allow them to change their life.
Through the assistance of a therapist, one will be able to change their circumstances.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.