If one was to find themselves in a position where they feel down, they could feel the need to get in a relationship. They could believe that being with someone else will make their life better, thereby allowing them to feel good about.
There is the chance that one is used to feeling this way, or this might only be how they feel from time to time. If this is a familiar experience, they may have taken this approach in the past.
Therefore, they could believe that this is the only way for them to feel better, meaning that there is going to be no alternative. If they were to look back on who they have ended up with when they feel this way, they may see that it hasn’t always gone to plan.
One may find that they have been with people who seemed like a good match in the beginning, but as time went by, it soon become clear that this wasn’t the case. But as their needs would have changed as time went by, it could be said that this is to be expected.
At first, they would have simply wanted someone to take their pain away; this is then the same as how one can eat junk when they are starving and not care about how healthy it is. Yet, as they started to feel better, they would have no longer needed the same nutrients, so to speak.
If one was in the middle of nowhere in their shorts and t-shirt, and it was extremely cold, they would probably be happy to wear just about anything they are given. Their priority will be to keep warm, not to look good.
Now, if the same person was to find themselves somewhere that is warm and populated, their outlook could soon change. Firstly, they won’t need to keep warm and, secondly, they might have the need to look smart.
One Step Back
In the same way, what one needs when they first met someone is not necessarily going to be what they need after they have been with them for a little while. At this point, they could have come into contact with a number of different needs.
Their emotional state would have improved considerably, so they might have thought about if this person was truly a good match for them. It could have become clear that they didn’t have a lot in common, or that their values were completely different.
A Close Shave
Nonetheless, as bad as it might have been for them to be with someone who they were not attracted to, at least they were not with someone who was abusive in any way. One could have focused on the fact that being with this person did them more good than harm.
Having said this, one might not be able to relate to this, or if they can, it might be the exception as opposed to the rule. They may have been with at least one person who treated them badly.
A Living Nightmare
One would then have met someone who they thought would make their life better, only to find out that they would actually make it even worse. It wouldn’t have seemed this way in the beginning, though, as this person would have come across in a different manner.
And even if the signs were that that this person wasn’t right for them, it wouldn’t have mattered. Their strongest need - which would have been to feel better - would have controlled their behaviour.
An Inaccurate Outlook
If this is what one has been through in the past, they may have come to see themselves as a victim. As a result of this, there is not going to be anything that they can do to change their life.
How they behave is not going to have an effect on their life, so there will be no reason for them to change anything. The downside to having this outlook is that it is going to make it a lot harder for one to change their life.
A Closer Look
When one feels low, it can make it difficult for them to think clearly, and this is because their emotions will have taken over. So, along with their need to avoid how they feel, it is not exactly going to be easy for them to be discerning.
One is not going to worry about if someone is right for them; they will only be concerned about if someone can make them feel better. With this in mind, it wouldn’t be accurate to say that one just happens to end up with the wrong people.
Without realising it, their own behaviour is playing a big part when it comes to the people who they end up with. While this might be hard for them to accept, doing so will allow them to change their life.
If one does have the tendency to feel low, they could look into what took place during their early years. This could be a time when they were abused and/or neglected, meaning that they would have experienced trauma.
A Number of Factors
There would then be the pain that this caused them and these experiences would have set them up to believe that they are worthless. Being treated badly by others is then going to be what feels comfortable at a deeper level.
How one feels in an abusive relationship can be very similar to how they felt when they were a child. The years will have passed but their inner world will be the same, and this is why their outer world will match up with what took place in their past.
If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.