Relationships: Can Someone’s Childhood Cause Them To Play The Victim Role In A Relationship?

Right now, someone could be in a relationship that is not very fulfilling, and there could be a number of reasons why this is. Now, this could be because they are with someone who is incredibly abusive but, then again, it might not be this severe.

Instead, they could be with someone who generally doesn’t treat them very well. This could be something that has been going on for a number of weeks or might have been taking place for even longer.

Black And White

It will then be clear that their partner is the one who is in the wrong and that they themselves are being victimised. In other words, their partner will be to blame for what is going on and they will be blameless.

It will be vital for their partner to change as, if this doesn’t take place, their relationship won’t change. What this will also mean is that they will have very little control over what is going on, while their partner will have a lot.

External Support

Now, if they were to talk to a friend or a family member about what is going on, they are also likely to back up the view that they are the victim. Their partner will be at fault and it will be up to this person to change.

This could be a time when one is encouraged to leave them and to find someone who will treat them well. If one has been in this position before, they might have also received this feedback before.

Another Angle

However, although they are a victim on one level, what if they are not inherently a victim on another level? What if they are unconsciously co-creating what is taking place and are, thus, being victimised by themselves?

Upon hearing this, they could say that this is not true as they are suffering and they don’t want to experience life in this way. They could then see this as a clear example of ‘victim blaming’.

The Tip Of The Iceberg

Even so, what they will need to keep in mind is that the part of them that is not happy with what is going on and wants their life to change is just one small part of them. Along with the conscious part of them, which is only a small part of their consciousness, they also have an unconscious mind.

This other part of them has far more control over their life than their conscious mind does. Without this understanding in place and one only being aware of their conscious mind, it is to be expected that they will see themselves as a powerless victim, at least when it comes to this area of their life.

Deep Exploration

Nonetheless, if a small part of them was able to entertain this idea if not fully accept it, it would give them the chance to take a closer look into this. One thing that they could do, to gain a deeper understanding, is to think about how they feel when they are being mistreated in their current relationship.

For example, they can find that they feel hopeless, helpless, worthless and unlovable. After this, they can look into if they have felt this way in the past.

A Continuation

By doing this, they could find that they have not only had a number of relationships where the same things have happened but they have felt the same way in each one. If they were then to think about what took place during their formative years, they may find that this was also a time when a lot of the same situations and feelings were experienced.

To use an analogy, their childhood experiences will be the trunk of a tree and everything that has come after this stage will be the branches of a tree. For so long, though, their brain will have blocked out what took place very early on in order to protect them, thereby preventing them from being able to join the dots, so to speak.

A Big Difference

During their formative years, when they were deprived of what they needed, they would have been a powerless victim. Yet, now that they are an adult, they can feel and act like a powerless victim but this is no longer the case.

What will also make it hard for them to realise this, in addition to how they feel and what their friends, family and society are likely to tell them, is that they will unconsciously see another person as their mother/father. Thanks to something called transference, then, it will be hard for them to see that while the person will be different, what is being played out is a replay of old wounds.

Drawing the Line

Being aware of why this area of their life is this way will allow them to take responsibility for what is going on and to gradually change their life. In time, they will reconnect to their inherent power, worth and lovability.

This is a time when they can be kind and compassionate towards themselves, to see that they have been doing the best that they can with what they know. This is not a time for them to criticise and blame themselves.
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Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk