If someone was to hear that their friend is going through a tough time, they could give them a call or go to see them. No matter what they do, this could still be a time when they will listen to what they have to say and offer their support.
Conversely, if they are in a relationship and their partner is going through a challenging time, they could also respond in a similar manner. In both cases, one is not going to try to take charge or to take responsibility for what another person is going through.
Consequently, it could be said that they will have a clear idea of where they begin and end, and where other people begin and end. This will be what stops them from trying to walk over another person and acting as though they are responsible for them.
Thanks to this, the other person won’t feel as though they are being violated in any way. This can then allow them to feel as though one respects them and sees them as being capable of handling their own challenges.
What this can also do is stop one from creating relationships where they are more like a parent than a friend/partner. Furthermore, this will stop from being in a position where they are constantly giving, only to receive very little in return.
There will then be moments when they give and there will be moments when they receive. And as they are not a parent and have their own needs to fulfil, this will stop them from running on empty.
The Right Setting
One will then be able to open about what is taking place for them without needing to worry about if their friend/partner will try to rescue them, and the people in their life will also be able to open up without them having to worry about if one will try to rescue them. There will be no need for any of them to play a role and to hide who they are.
Said another way, one, along with the people in their life, will be able to show up. This will allow one to feel connected to these people and for these people to feel connected to them.
A Different Scenario
If someone else was to hear about what a friend is going through, they could take radically different approach. Once they speak to them on the prone or see them in person, they could soon tell them what they need to do.
Regardless of what they are going through, it can be as if they are not up to the task of sorting themselves out. One is then not going to believe that they are doing anything wrong; they will simply be helping them out.
If they are in a relationship, and their partner is going through a tough time, the same thing could take place. Simply being there for their partner and allowing them to deal with something is not going to be an option.
In each relationship that they have been in, they may have behaved in the same way. In fact, one may have been this way for as long as they can remember, which could mean that one is not even aware of what they are doing and the effect that it is having.
So irrespective of whether it comes to how they behave around a friend or their partner - that’s if they have one - it can be normal for another person to feel violated by them. There is the chance that one doesn’t know where they begin and end, or where other people begin and end.
This is then why they feel responsible for what other people go through and basically walk over them. One can believe that if they don’t resolve what another person is going through, they won’t be able to overcome what they are going through.
Out of Balance
One is then going to be like parental figure, while the people in their life will be like incapable children. This doesn’t mean that one will consciously see other people in this way, but if they were to take a step back, it might become clear.
Another consequence of behaving in this way is that one will give a lot, yet they are unlikely to receive much in return. They could play the role of someone who is strong and doesn’t need anything – a role that will most likely prevent them from being able to experience true intimacy.
And through spending so much time trying to fix others, they can spend very little time taking care of their own needs. On the surface they can come across as someone who is always happy to help, but underneath this image can be a lot of anger and resentment.
However, the only way that they will change how they feel is if they no longer behave in this manner. For one thing, they are going to need to stop acting like a parent and as though it is up to them to solve everyone else’s problems, and to let go of the role they play and to get in touch with their true-self.
What’s going on?
If they were to let go of this role, what they may find is that they are carrying a lot of shame. Trying to fix or rescue others is then going to be a way for them to try to avoid themselves.
With this in mind, focusing on what is going on ‘out there’ won’t change what is taking place within them. For their behaviour to change and for them to reveal who they are, they will need to heal the wounds that are within them.
The reason why they are carrying so much shame and don’t feel comfortable with their own needs can be due to what took place during their early years. The years will have passed but the pain that they experienced will still be inside them.
If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.