Relationships: Can Someone’s Unmet Childhood Needs Cause Them To Expect Other People To Be Unconditionally Loyal?
If someone wants to be in a relationship, there can be a number of things that they will be looking for in a partner. Firstly, there can be the need to be with someone who has a certain appearance and, secondly, there can be the requirements that they have when it comes to their personality.
But while someone’s appearance is going to be important to them, one might realise that it is what someone is like as a person that will make all the difference. Sooner or later, they will get used to their looks and they will be left with their personality.
So, if they were to ignore someone’s personality and only focused on their looks, they could soon be in for an unpleasant surprise. If they are, it is likely to be a number of months before they come crashing down though, due to all the positive feelings that are running through them.
One thing that someone like this could value is loyalty, with this being right at the top of their list. They could say that they want to be with someone who is going to stick around no matter what and who won’t cheat on them.
And the reason why one is so clear about this could be due to the fact that they have been with people in the past who were not loyal. Their past experiences have then made them realise how important this is.
It could be said that in order for there to be trust in a relationship, there needs to be loyalty. For example, if one is with someone who isn’t there when they need them or has been with other people, it is not going to be possible for one to trust them.
Their relationship is not going to be built on anything solid. The other person is not going to be invested in the relationship, and it might only be a matter of time before it comes to an end.
There is also the chance that one will expect the same amount of loyalty from their friends. They might expect their friends to always be there when they need them, and for them to always be in their life.
If one has this outlook, there is a strong chance that they will be used to feeling let down in this area of their life. What this comes down to is that it is not going to be possible for their friends to always be there and all of their friends are not going be in their life forever.
One Step Back
And even if one was in a relationship with someone, there are going to be moments when their partner can’t be there for them. That’s not to say that whoever they end up with will cheat on them, though.
Along with this, there is no guarantee that the person they end up with will stay with them until their end of their life. This is something that one can believe if they were to get married, but this doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things.
When one is friends with someone or is in an intimate relationship with them, it is not just about their needs. There are the needs that one has and then there are the needs that the other person has.
If, on the other hand, the other person was just an extension of them, there would only be one set of needs. As a result of this, there would be absolutely no reason whosoever for the other person to ever leave their life.
But if one was to step back, they are likely to realise that it is not possible for them to be unconditionally loyal either. For example, if they are with someone who ends up being abusive, it is going to be in their best interest to walk away.
Yet, even if they don’t end up with someone who is abusive, they could get to a point where saying with someone is holding them back. It is then not that one is being disloyal; it is that they are paying attention to their own needs.
A Closer Look
If one expects the people in their life to always be there for them, it can show that they are looking for these people to fulfil their unmet childhood needs. One is then not seeing these people as individuals; they are seeing them as their caregivers.
Their younger years may have been a time when their needs were rarely, if ever met, thereby setting them up to experience a lot of neglect. Thus, as their caregivers weren’t there when they needed them to be, they expect other people to give them what their caregivers couldn’t give them.
The alternative would be for one to no longer expect other people to give them what their caregivers couldn’t and to work through the pain that is within them. But while this would allow them to gradually let go of the need for other people to be unconditionally loyal, it would cause them to experience a lot of pain.
And, if one has been this way for as long as they can remember, they are unlikely to even realise what is taking place. One is then not going to be able to simply become aware of what is going on and to change their life.
This is something that is likely to take time, and one might need to reach out for external support. Through working with a therapist or a healer, one will be able to go where they probably wouldn’t go by themselves.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.