Relationships: Can The Fear Of Abandonment Cause Someone To Attract People Who Are Emotionally Dependent?
In order for two people to have a relationship together, they will both need to be able to behave like interdependent adults. The reason for this is that if only one of them acts like an interdependent adult, it will stop this from taking place.
Instead, what will happen is that one of them will be like a parent and the other will be like a child. This is then not going to be something that takes place from time to time; it will take place more or less all of the time.
Naturally, there are going to be moments in just about every relationship where one person will regresses to a childlike state. Due to the amount of stress that they are in, it will cause them to devolve to an earlier stage in their life.
However, after a little while the state they are in is likely to change, allowing them to return to their adult self. This can be something that takes place if they have experienced a loss or if they have too much going on in their life.
When one of them regresses, the other could make it clear that they are there for them. There is likely to be the emotional support that they give them, and they might even do a number of things for them that they wouldn’t usually do.
Once this stage has passed, their partner could let them know how thankful they are for their support, and even end up treating them in some way. Yet, if something like this took place all the time, it would be incredibly tiring for the other person.
Out of Balance
It would no longer be possible for them to have an adult to adult relationship; it would be a relationship where one person is looking after the other. One person’s needs would then be met, but the others persons needs would end up being overlooked.
As a result of what is taking place, the person who is behaving more like a caregiver is likely to gradually lose interest. Regardless of whether this person has children, they won’t be willing to act like this person’s parent.
A Loss of Interest
If they were to act like this person’s parent, it probably wouldn’t be long until they would be running on empty. They might end up telling their partner directly about what is on their mind, or they could simply end the relationship.
The former will give their partner the chance to change, while the latter won’t give them that option. At the same time, if one is only dating this person and hasn’t been with them for very long, it will be lot easier for them to cut their ties.
However, while there will be people who will be repelled by this behaviour and have no interest whatsoever in being with someone like this, there will be others who are different. Consequently, being in a relationship with someone who sees them as their parent is going to suit them.
One is then going to do far more for their partner than their partner will do for them. But, even though this will be something that they will put up with, it doesn’t mean that they will be fully on aboard with what is taking place.
There could be times when they get really annoyed about what their partner is like, wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone who can actually be there for them. In addition to this, they might spend a fair amount of time complaining about their relationship to their family and friends.
Yet, as draining as it will be for them to be with someone like this, it won’t be enough for them to do anything about it. It could then be said that being with someone like this is going to be what feels comfortable at a deeper level or they would do something about it.
The reason why being with someone like this can feel comfortable is because they have a fear of being abandoned. A number of their needs are then going to be overlooked, but as this person is dependent on them, they will be less likely to leave them.
Their need to be with someone who won’t leave them is then going to be far stronger than their need to be with someone who they are truly attracted to. And, until their inner world changes, this area of their life is unlikely to change either.
Back In Time
If they were to take a closer look at what their early years were like, they may find that this was a time in their life when they were neglected. Thus, the consistent care that they needed to develop a strong sense of self wouldn’t have been provided.
What took place at this stage of their life would have caused them to develop a fear of being abandoned, and it would have caused them to experience the pain of being abandoned. Ultimately, one is going to be carrying trauma that will need to be resolved.
If they simply focus on what is taking place in their mind, it is unlikely to resolve what is taking place in their body. Once the trauma in their body is dealt with, their mind should settle down.
This is a process that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer, for instance.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.