When someone starts to spend time with another person, they might not even think about trying to control what they can or can’t do. In fact, this could be the last thing that is on their mind.
What could primarily interest them is getting to know the other person and enjoying the time that they spend with them. At this stage, it might be clear to them that they are two separate people.
The Next Phase
However, as time goes by and they become closer to the other, they could feel the need to control what their other person does or doesn’t do. If this takes place, it is likely to show that part of them no longer sees the other person as a separate individual.
Instead, the part of them that wants to define how the other persons lives their life is going to see them as an extension of themselves. And as this person is an extension of themselves, it is will be perfectly acceptable for them to behave in this manner.
A Strong influence
Now, if this part of them is really strong, it might not even be possible for them to realise what is taking place. As a result of this, they are going to completely lose touch with how they were before.
In a way, it will be as if the person they were at the beginning has gone and they have now taken on a totally different identity. They are then going to look the same, but this could be as far as it will go.
In addition to this, one is likely to spend a lot of time thinking about what their partner is doing. So if they were able to focus on other areas of their life during the early stages of their time together, this will no longer be the case.
One way of looking at it would be to say that their partner has become the centre of their world, with everything else fading into the background. Behaving in this way is then not just going to have negative effect on their relationship; it will also have a negative effect on their whole life.
Their partner may struggle to understand what has taken place, and they may respond in one of two ways. What they could do is make it clear that one’s behaviour is not acceptable.
This could be done in a very gentle way or they could get angry and have a go at them. Then again, they might not even say anything and this may show that they are used to being with someone who is controlling.
If they do stand their ground and make it clear that one’s behaviour is not acceptable, one could apologise and say that they didn’t even realise they were being controlling. Alternatively, they could dismiss what is said and deny that they are doing anything wrong.
If the latter takes place, they may need to think about whether or not they are with the right person. On the other hand, if they are used to being controlled, it is unlikely that they will do anything, and this means that one could get even worse as time goes by.
A Few Examples
When it comes to how one behaves, they may want to know what their partner is doing practically all of the time. They may tell say that they don’t want to them to do certain things or to see certain people.
At one point they will take an inch and, as time goes by, they will end up taking a mile. Ideally, their partner will draw the line and walk away if one doesn’t change their behaviour, but if this doesn’t take place, they are likely to be in for an unpleasant time.
If one was able to take a step back and to reflect on why they are behaving in this way, they may find that they do this to avoid how they feel. No longer behaving in this way could cause them to experience a fair amount of anxiety and, underneath this anxiety could be the fear of abandonment.
Therefore, controlling their partner is simply a way for them to stop themselves from being overwhelmed with emotional pain. It can be hard to understand why an adult would have this fear; it is not as if they would actually die if their partner left them.
A Powerful Force
Nonetheless, although they look like an adult, they are not going to feel like an adult. At an emotional level, they are likely to feel like a needy child, and this part of them will be controlling their behaviour.
The reason that they feel like a needy child can be because they were neglected during their early years. Perhaps this was a time when they were abandoned, which is why they have a fear of being abandoned as an adult.
What they fear will then have already happened, and this is likely to mean that what they actually fear is coming into contact with the pain of being abandoned. This pain doesn’t have to control them forever, though.
Yet, the only way that this pain will no longer control them is if they do something about the emotional pain that is within them. With the assistance of a therapist or a healer, for instance, they will be able to work through this pain.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.