There are a number of things that can stop one from being able to have a fulfilling relationship, and ending up with someone who is unavailable will be one of the things that will stop them from being able to fulfil this need. When this takes place, they can find it hard to understand how this has happened.
Before they met this person, they may have been really clear about the kind of person that they wanted to be with. They will then have ‘asked’ for what they wanted, but it won’t have been ‘given’ to them.
If this is the first time that they have been in this type of situation, it might be easier for them to handle than if it had happened before. At the same time, if they haven’t been through this before they won’t have anything to compare it with, so it could still be incredibly hard for them to come to terms with what is going on.
However, if they have already been through all this in the past, it could be taken as yet another sign that they have no control over this area of their life. It can then be normal for them to feel hopeless and powerless, amongst other things.
The Same Old Story
When one first met the person they are with, they may have believed that they had finally found someone who was available. This person may have appeared to be radically different to the type of people they have been with in the past.
But, as the days, weeks and months passed, the signs would have started to appear. Even so, there is the chance that it took a while before they were able to see these signs and to face reality.
Due to what they have been through in the past, it would be understandable if something like this took place. Being in denial would have been a way for them to keep their emotional pain at bay.
The trouble with this approach is that it would have stopped them from being able to cut their ties. Instead of seeing what was actually going on and moving on, they would have continued to waste their time, energy and attention on someone who was not right for them.
A Number of Different Scenarios
If they were to think about how they knew that the person they are with was unavailable, a number of things may come to mind. They may have spoken about their ex a lot and even spent a lot of time around them.
It was then clear that these two people were no longer together, but it would have been as though they were still emotionally attached to each other. Ultimately, their heart would have been somewhere else.
Stuck On the First Stage
Also, one may have wanted to take the relationship to the next level on a number of occasions, only for the other person to put the brakes on each time. Each time, the other person would have made it clear that they were not willing to commit or to settle down.
Additionally, their partner may have had a least one affair, even though both of them made it clear from the start that they wanted a monogamous relationship. They may even have found that their partner was still in a relationship with someone else.
If they were to put this relationship to one side, they may find that a number - if not all - of these things has occurred in the past. There will then be a number of different ways in which someone will behave when they are unavailable, nevertheless, they will still be unavailable.
Bringing this relationship to a close will be important; that’s if it can be called a relationship, of course. The next thing can be for them to stay single for a little while and to look into why this is taking place.
The Common Denominator
While seeing themselves as a victim might allow them to be energised by their anger, what this won’t do is allow them to change their life. The only way their life is going to change is if they go deep within themselves and connect to what is going on.
What they are likely to find is that being with someone who is not unavailable is what feels safe. So, on one level this will cause them to suffer, but at a deeper level this will benefit them.
Back In Time
In order for them to understand why they would feel safe being with someone who can’t fully show up, it might be a good idea for them to look back on what took place when they were younger. Through doing this, what they may find is that it wasn’t safe for them to reveal their true-self.
Perhaps this was a time in their life when they experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect, which would have caused them to develop a false-self. They would have believed that there was something wrong with who they were, and creating a false-self would have been a matter of survival.
A big part of them would have ended up disconnecting from the rest of them, and this would then have stopped them from being able to operate as a whole human being and to be present. The need to hide would have been stronger than their need to be seen.
This is because being seen wouldn’t have been safe, whereas hiding who they were and playing a role would have kept them alive. The part that they need to reconnect with as an adult is likely to be their inner child, and this part is likely to be carrying a lot of shame and fear, amongst other things.
Being with someone who is unavailable is not going to fulfil their adult needs, but what it will do is allow them to hide who they are. If they were to meet someone who was actually available, they would have to come into contact with the part of themselves that they have been trying to run away from – their true-self.
As this part of them is likely to feel worthless, they can believe that they would be rejected and abandoned if they were to reveal who they are to others. Thus, no matter how painful it is to continually end up with people who are unable to be present, it won’t be as bad as what they believe would happen if someone was to see what was to actually see them.
Fortunately, there is nothing inherently wrong with them, and this is something that they will be able to realise by working through their pain. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.