Relationships: Can Toxic Shame Make Someone Feel Unlovable?

Human beings are interdependent and this means that relationships are a vital part of their ability to survive and to thrive. And while they need to have relationships with others, they also need to be in relationships that are fulfilling.

For instance, one could be in a relationship and have a certain need met or a number of needs, but it doesn’t mean that it is enhancing their life. They could be in a situation where they are better off by themselves and away from the person they are currently with.

Abuse

Here, one would be in a relationship that is mildly or even extremely abusive. Their foot is then in the door so to speak, but once they are in the house, they end up feeling even worse than they did before they came in.

And even though this relationship is not healthy and this could be one of many that one is in, it doesn’t mean they can just leave. They could find themselves in a position where they are unable to walk away. It then doesn’t matter how unfulfilling it is or how abusive the person is, as the relationship continues.

Value

If one is in this position, it would be normal to say that they clearly don’t value themselves. This means that they don’t just have an external problem; they also have an inner problem. For if they did end the relationship and walk away, there is a strong chance that they will walk into another relationship that is just as bad.

This might not be the case and something might have changed within them, but this is not something that always happens. This is because if one is still the same on the inside and they don’t value themselves, then the people they are attracted to will be the same.

A Reflection

From the outside, how another person is being treated might looking shocking and be seen as something that needs to stop. However, if one treats themselves like this on the inside, then it is not going to stand out.

How another person is treating them is therefore normal and no worse than they treat themselves. But this doesn’t always stand out, as it is not always easy to notice how one treats themselves.

Another Option

One might not even be in a relationship, but the desire to be in a loving relationship is not something that is likely to disappear. It might be something that one ignores and does their best to push out of their awareness from time to time, but it is still going to be there.

They may have a pattern of attracting people who are abusive or who are unable to treat with them respect, appreciation and kindness. It is then not so much that attracting people is something they struggle with, what is the problem is attracting someone who values them.

Inner Experience

On the inside, one might wonder why any would want to be with them or if another person would ever love them.  One can then end up feeling like a victim and that they have no control.

Or one might be out of touch with what is going on within them and channel their frustration towards other people. Other people are then seen as the problem and the reason why one is not in a relationship where they are being treated in the right way.

Not Enough

So if one believes it is not possible for other people to love them or even if they blame other people for what is taking place, it can cause them to come to the conclusion that they need to be more. What this means is that one can become obsessed with self-development.

As who they are is not enough, one can end up believing that they need to be more and that they need to develop themselves. And once they do this, they will finally be enough and that will make them lovable.

Outlook

While there is nothing wrong with working on oneself, if one believes they are not enough to begin with, this outlook is only going to lead to more problems. Even if one does attract someone who responds in a certain way towards them, one can still feel as though it is for what they do and not for who they are.

And through trying to be more, one is simply reinforcing their outlook that they are not lovable as they are. So while it might seem as though one can either get caught up in how they feel or avoid how they feel, there is another option.

Toxic Shame

The other option is to look at and deal with why one feels unlovable to begin with. And one reason why one can feel unlovable is because they’re carrying toxic shame. This is something that is going to make one feel as though they are less-than human.

They can feel as though they are deeply flawed, and one won’t feel bad from time to time, they are bad. So if this is how one sees themselves, feeling unlovable is perfectly normal.

The Cause

This could relate to what happened during ones childhood years and these early experiences may have continued throughout ones adult years. During these early years, one may have been physically and verbally abused, and/or they may have been neglected.

And as these emotional experiences of the past have remained within them, their view of themselves has stayed the same. One may find that they these early experiences are re-created by the people they come into contact with.

Awareness

The emotional experiences of the past that have remained trapped within one’s body will need to be faced and released. This is something that can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer 

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Oliver J R Cooper 
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/