If someone was to spend their time around people who have just experienced a breakup, they are unlikely to have the same experience with each person. They could find that although one person is in a bad way, another could come across though they haven’t been affected.
And they could also come into contact with someone who is not in a bad way, but neither are they in a position where it hasn’t affected them. What this shows is that people react differently to a breakup, and how there is no such thing as a ‘right way’ or ‘wrong way’.
Keeping It In
One person could hide how they feel, and this could cause other people to believe that they haven’t been affected. They might describe them as being mentally and emotionally strong, and this could cause them to feel good about themselves.
This could be something they do consciously, and they are therefore aware of the fact that they are not facing their emotions. And at the same time, this could be something that they do without realising it.
In this case, it is not that they are consciously hiding how they feel; it is that this is something that just happens. Before their emotions have the chance to come into their awareness, they are pushed out-of-the-way.
The face they show to the world is then not a true reflection of what is taking place within them. It is then not possible for one to be a whole human being; they are in a divided state.
Emotional Build Up
And as they are unable to face how they feel, and to process what is taking place, it is going to build up. Intellectually, one can believe that their emotional pain has disappeared, and this could be because they no longer feel the same.
Yet, even if they don’t feel the same, it doesn’t mean that their emotional pain is no longer within them. What it is likely to mean is that it has ended up being trapped in their body.
If, on the other hand, one was to show they feel, they might end up being told that they need to ‘move on’ or to ‘let go’. In this case, it will show that it is not possible for the people around them to empathise with how they feel.
There is also the chance that they will receive the support that they need, and that the people around them will empathise with them. This will mean that one won’t need to feel ashamed, and it will allow them to process how they feel.
Putting On an Act
However, even if someone does come across as though they haven’t been affected, it doesn’t mean that other people will see them as being mentally and emotionally strong. They could see come to the conclusion that they are just avoiding how they feel.
Yet, it could also come down to the fact that the breakup didn’t affect them, and this means they are not putting on an act or denying how they feel. This could also mean that the relationship didn’t last for very long or that they didn’t have a connection, but this might not be the case.
There are then going to be other people who feel overwhelmed by loss, and it might not matter how long the relationship lasted or how well they got on. Their experience is then not the same as someone who feels a sense of loss without being overwhelmed.
One way of looking at this would be to say that they have a balanced response, and that the person who feels overwhelmed is out of balance. But to say this would create the impression that there is only one way to respond when a relationship ends.
When a relationships comes to an end, one can feel as though the have lost part of themselves, and this is because they have lost someone who was part of their life. Through being with them, one would have developed an attachment, and this would have played a part in how they experienced life.
Now that this attachment has been broken, it is no longer possible for them to receive what they used to receive. Through losing the other person, one can respond in same way as they would if someone had died.
And when one experiences loss, they are going to experience grief; it won’t matter that the other person is still alive. This is because the way they used to experience life has come to an end.
What can cause a breakup be even more painful is if one is already carrying grief. There is then the current grief of losing the other person, and the grief that has remained within them from previous losses that have not been grieved.
Through carrying this pain within them, it is going to be normal for them to feel overwhelmed when a relationship comes to an end. And it won’t matter how long it lasted, or whether they actually had a strong connection.
The other person will have triggered what has built-up within them, and unless one realises what is taking place, they could believe that it relates to the relationship that has just come to an end. If this happens, it can cause them to see this as a sign that they are meant to be with the other person.
As a result of this, they might try do everything they can do get back with their ex. Now, this might be the right thing for them to do or it could end up being the wrong approach for them to take.
But if one is in so much pain, and they believe the other person is the sole cause of their pain, it is going to be normal for them to end up being obsessed with their ex and to want to get back with them. The sense of loss that they are experiencing might also include previous breakups that were not grieved, and/or it could relate to other losses.
It is going to be important for one to face how they feel, and to cry out the pain that is within them. However, this is not something one has to do by themselves, and the external support can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.
If one was to face this pain by themselves, it might be too much, and this could stop them from grieving. So through the external support, it will be easier for them to process the pain within them.
This is not going to happen overnight, but it is going to be important for them to stay with this process.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.