There are all kinds of reasons as to why someone would want to be a relationship with another person. And yet for some people, they will do everything they can to avoid having one. This can be due to them being fiercely independent and not wanting to rely on another person; having trust issues and a deep fear of intimacy for instance.
And for others, the need to be in a relationship can appear to be their whole focus of life. If they are in one, they are happy and when they are not in one, they are more of less despondent. It is then not then a case of finding someone who is appropriate, it is simply about finding someone who will take away this pain.
Then there are other people who are fairly happy with themselves and enjoy spending their time with another person or who want to find another to share their life with. But whether they are in a relationship or are not in one, they still appreciate their own time and are not dependent on another to make them feel good about themselves.
So it is clear that in each of these dynamics and others that exist, people have different views about what a relationship is for and what it is not for. Now, some people will be fairly clear about what another person can give them and what they can’t.
And when it comes to others, this won’t be something that is consciously thought about. A feeling or urge rises in their body and action is then taken. They are then attracted to someone who they believe will fulfil those needs and wants.
There is no question of if the other person can actually fulfil these or if the way one is acting is healthy and functional. This will often be something that takes place automatically and without too much thinking taking place.
The body and heart is taking the lead and the mind is left wondering what is going on. One’s mind could even be left to pick up the pieces, once cracks appear in the relationship or when it comes to an end.
However, before long, the need to find another person could derail the minds attempt to make sense of everything. The next relationship is then underway and the cycle could be repeated once more.
If one doesn’t leave the relationship due to something not being right, they could even stay in the relationship and put up with what is going on. This could be some kind of mild to extreme abuse. Or perhaps one is just in a relationship that is not fulfilling and doesn’t match their deepest needs and wants and what they truly value in life.
The Power Of Pain
So as one is seeking a relationship or going into a relationship based on inner unrest, it is clear that that this is not a conscious process. The overwhelming pain that they are experiencing within is causing them to act in ways that could be described as compulsive.
And pain is something everyone feels and this is not something to be ashamed of. What will be the difference is how aware one is of their pain and in what they do about it. For the person who is in pain and is simply letting that pain dictate their need to be in a relationship, they are letting the pain rule them.
On the inside this pain can relate to one feeling: alone, empty, rejected, abandoned, unlovable, unworthy, depressed, suicidal and worthless and many other feelings. And if any of these feelings are strong enough, another person can be sought to stop one from feeling them.
The other person will be used as a way to regulate how one feels; the feelings are unlikely to completely disappear. What they will do is become covered up for a short time. And as these feelings are so powerful, it won’t matter who the other person is; what matters is that they can help one to run away from themselves.
What can play a big part in how one handles their pain is what they have come to learn about relationships and what their purpose is. This can be based on what one has learnt about relationships through the role models they have had throughout their life and other forms of education.
In society this can include: celebrities, films, teachers and songs. And at a more personal level, this can be the result of one’s friends and family members. Unless one has consciously decided to learn about relationships and what their purpose is, it is unlikely that they will just simply know how to have healthy relationships.
Although one physically grows up as time goes by, it doesn’t mean that one also grows up emotionally. Emotional growth is something that is generally ignored in today’s society and often depends on one taking personal responsibility.
So this can mean that one can end up being emotionally stuck and have emotional needs that are more relevant to a child than an adult. And how they feel at this moment in their life could be the result of what happened to them many years ago.
The feelings that are causing them to attract the wrong types of people and to be in relationships for the wrong reasons need to be let go and not acted upon. Through regressing to a child, one can view others as caregivers and not human beings who have their own needs and wants.
As this is the case, it will mean that they will be unable to meet some of the needs and wants that one has. What this person can do is meet certain needs and wants, but not all of them.
One can feel the need to merge or enmesh with another just like they merged with a caregiver. And from this place, another person will be seen as their missing piece and the answer to being whole again.
When in reality, one is already whole. And what is stopping them from realising this is what needs to be let go and this is creating the illusion of one being incomplete. And if one was to identify with the feeling of being empty for instance, then it is not much of a surprise that they feel something is missing.
If these feelings and emotions are overwhelming and cause one to continually end up in relationships that are dysfunctional and stop one form being able to appreciate their own time, it might be necessary to seek some kind of assistance.
These trapped feelings and emotions can be released with the help or therapist or healer who allows one to face them and gradually release them. To engage in some kind of self study will also be beneficial and assist one in developing new ways of looking at relationships and themselves.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.