When it comes to being a human being, there are certain needs that each one of us has. And while there can be certain differences between people, these are ones that apply to more or less everyone.
But while needs are something that each one of us have, it doesn’t mean that one always feels comfortable with having them. Having needs can feel like a burden and one can end up feeling ashamed for having them.
So it is not always a case of having them and then getting them met in a way that is relatively straight forward. It could be that one has them and yet feels incredible awkward having them and sees them as something that one wishes they never even had.
This means that one is not independent and that they are inherently interdependent. To feel there is something wrong with having needs is then to feel that there is something wrong with being human.
And even though being human means being interdependent, it doesn’t mean that one feels comfortable with this truth. Independence is often seen as the way to be and as a sign that one has grown up. However, if one was to take a deeper look, they would soon see that it is just a word and doesn’t reflect the nature of reality.
These needs that each one of us has are going to cover a wide range of things. And some of these will be able to be fulfilled by friends and family, and others will only be able to be met through having an intimate relationship.
While one can cuddle a friend or a family member for instance; this will never be the same as if they were cuddling another man or woman who they are in a relationship with for example.
Friends and family can only provide a certain degree of nurturing; in order for one to experience something deeper and broader they will have to be in a relationship. The physical side of things is one of the great benefits of being in a relationship with another person.
Here one can experience being connected and loved by another human being. Love obviously relates to more than just having ones physical needs met, but this is one part of it. If a group of people were asked what love means to them, in relation to a relationship, it is inevitable that being: held, touched and caressed would be mentioned. Either through these words or through others words that mean the same thing.
Although one has these physical needs and therefore desires to be in a relationship, as a way to fulfil these needs and many others, it doesn’t mean that this feels right or comfortable for them.
So at a deeper level one will have these needs and these can’t be removed, no matter what one does or doesn’t do. However, due to certain experiences that one has had in their life, from birth and up until the present moment, one can feel at odds with them.
The natural need to be in a relationship with another can then end up being sabotaged. And not because of what is taking place externally, but as a result of what is going on within someone.
These associations can include all kinds of meanings and yet there are a few that will have a big impact. Here one can end up feeling that if they were to be in a relationship and have these physical needs met, they would be: smothered, engulfed, trapped and overwhelmed. As well as a deep feeling of shame for having needs and that one could be abandoned and rejected for having them.
To have these associations is going to cause conflict and they will end up creating problems when it comes to experiencing intimacy. But even though this division does exist within someone, it doesn’t mean that one’s physical needs will simply disappear.
They are still going to be there and instead of them being met through a relationship, one can use another way to get them met. And while this way will not be truly fulfilling, what it will do is allow one to momentarily experience what it would be like to be in a relationship.
So what one can do as a way to experience the physical side of a relationship and without all their feelings coming up in regards to intimacy - is to have sex. This could be a casual relationship; where it’s purely sex or what is often classed as a one night stand.
One is then able to experience physical closeness, but without them having to feel their emotions in relation to intimacy. What can also take place is that one’s sex drive can increase, as a result of their physical needs not being met.
One can then end up coming to the conclusion that they have a high sex drive and need to have plenty of sex in order to meet this need. But this could simply be a conditioned reflex and one that allows them to regulate their emotional pain.
At a deeper level, this could be a consequence of their need to experience physical intimacy not being met. As they only know how to meet this need by having sex; this is what feels comfortable and safe. When what this person really needs is to be intimate with another human being. And while sex will be a part of this, there will be so much more.
If one can relate to this challenge and is having difficulty in having their needs met, it will be important for them to seek some kind of assistance. Because having needs is normal and if one feels that this is not the case, it will be a sign that some kind of letting go needs to occur.
It could be that one has trapped emotions and feelings in their body and these could go back to when one was a baby and a child. These can be released with the assistance of a therapist of a healer who allows one to face them and release them. As this takes place, one can begin to feel comfortable with having needs and embracing true intimacy; if that is what they desire.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.