Relationships: Do Some People Need To Experience A Few Bad Relationships Before They Can Appreciate A Good One?
There are some people who will feel comfortable being in a relationship with someone who is not abusive, while there will be others who won’t. Therefore, if someone who can relate to the former was to end up with someone who is abusive, they would probably soon walk away.
And, if someone who can relate to the latter was to end up with someone who is not abusive, there is a strong chance that they would also walk way. This might be hard to believe, due to what they have been through in the past.
A Common Outlook
When someone has the tendency to end up with people who are abusive, it can be normal for them to be seen as a victim. Thus, they just happen to end up with people who are abusive.
It is then as though they would jump at the chance to be with someone who is different, taking this opportunity with both hands. The trouble with this viewpoint is that it doesn’t look into what part this person is playing in all this.
If someone like this was asked this question, they could end up believing that they are being blamed for what they have been through. This will then be an example of ‘victim blaming’, and their inner world could end up being filled with anger and even rage.
What this would show is that they have ended up being defensive, which will make it hard to get through to them. In fact, it might make it impossible to do this, and this may mean that this person will continue to behave in the same manner.
If they were to carry on as normal, it is unlikely that their life will just change. But, as they see themselves as a victim and believe that there are people out there who want to victimise them, this is not much of a surprise.
Alternatively, if they were to take the time to reflect on the fact that they play a part when it comes to who they attract, they will be able to gradually change their circumstances. This won’t be easy, but what it will do is allow them to transform their life.
So, let’s say that someone like this was to come into contact with someone who is different, and that they ended up in a relationship together. Part of them might feel comfortable with what is going on, while another part of them probably won’t.
Now, what can define what will happen next is how aware they are of what is going on within them. If they were able to tune into the part of themselves that doesn’t feel comfortable, it will give them the chance to do something about it.
What can stop them from being able to connect with how they really feel is if they get too attached to what is taking place in their mind. This part of the can come up with all kinds of reasons as to why this person is not right for them.
Even so, this will only lead to problems if they allow themselves to be caught up in what this part of them comes up with. For example, their mind could say that this person is not a good match, or that they are boring.
If they were to get caught up in what this part of them says and to ignore the part of them that wants to stay, they might soon end the relationship. They may even end up going back with an abusive ex.
Being with someone like this will make it harder for them to feel at peace, but it will be what feels comfortable. Yet, this will give them the chance to see that a big part of them feels at home with someone like this.
If they were to stay with someone who is healthy and connected with how they feel, as opposed to getting caught up in what is going on in their mind, what they may find is that they don’t feel as though they deserve to be with someone like this. And even though it will be clear that this person is not a threat to their survival, they may find that they don’t feel safe either.
When they are with someone who is abusive, a big part of them is going to feel comfortable. Not only will this be what they believe they deserve, but being with someone who is unpredictable will – as strange as this may seem – be what feels safe.
Naturally, it is going to be far better for one to stay with someone who is healthy and to work through what comes up, than it will be for them to end the relationship and to go back to someone who is abusive. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer, for instance.
If they are unable to do this, they might need to spend a little while longer with someone who treats them badly until they are able to get to the point where enough is enough. What they went through with the person who was different will have made it clear to them that not everyone is the same.
It will be as though a seed has been planted in their mind, and this seed will stay there until it is able to grow into something more, something greater. In order for it to grow, it will be necessary for them to be in a functional relationship.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.