When it comes to buying a new car, someone could go for a car that looks the best or they could take their time and see what car they prefer to drive. If they were only buying a car to put on display, it could be said that the first approach would be the best one to take.
However, as they are buying a car to drive, it could be said that the second approach would be the best one to take. And if they were more concerned with how a car looked as opposed to what is was like to drive it, it is likely to be a sign that they have a strong need for approval.
A Certain Standard
Yet even if someone was more concerned by what a car looked like, they are unlikely to end up compromising their safety. In today’s world, all cars have to meet certain requirements when it comes to safety.
Along with this, car manufactures understand that while people want cars that are safe, they also want cars that are visually appealing. What this shows is that even if someone doesn’t have a high need for approval, they are still likely to want to drive a car that looks good.
Similarly, someone can also have a relationship with someone because of what they look like and it then might not matter what they are like as a person. Or if it does, it is not going to be as important as their appearance.
But not only can they be with this person because of how it makes them feel; they can also be with them because of how they will look. Through being with them, it is going to cause other people to see them differently.
So in the same way that someone would wear branded clothes in order to be seen in a certain way; they can also have someone in their life in order to create a certain image. In this case, other people will see who they are in a relationship with and this is then going to have an effect on how they see them.
For example, other people could end up seeing them as more attractive than they would if they were by themselves or with someone else. They could also give them more value than they may have done and they could see them as being successful.
In The Eyes of Others
Based on appearances, someone can look as they have it all together, and there could be plenty of people who wish they were in their position. But even if they do have this outlook, it doesn’t mean they will show it.
They could cover up how they feel and as a result of this; they could come across as though they are not bothered. This could then be a way for them to stop themselves from getting in touch with how they feel.
However, even though someone can look as though they have it all together it doesn’t mean that this is the case. What this comes down to is that appearances are often deceiving, and if one was to take a closer look, they may find that there is more than meets the eye.
The reason they need to be with another person who makes them look good could be because they haven’t got it all together. Thus, the only way they know how to feel good about themselves, is to be with someone who will allow them to disconnect from how they feel.
Therefore, even though it can look as though they are in a relationship with another person, this is far from the case. A more accurate assesment would be to say that the other person is nothing more than an object that is there to fulfil their needs.
This is not to say that they won’t take care of the other persons needs from time to time, but there is unlikely to be any kind of intimacy involved. But when someone is like this, they are likely to end up with people who are in a similar position.
Out of Touch
One of the main reasons why they are unlikely to be able to experience intimacy with the people they end up with is because they are likely to be out of touch with their feelings. Their heart could be closed and this then going to stop them from being able to open up emotionally.
As a result of this, other people are not going to have the chance to see their true-self; they will only see their false-self. Ultimately, this will be mask they wear to compensate for the fact that they don’t feel good enough.
A Closer Look
When someone needs to have a relationship with another person who looks good in order to feel good about themselves and they have a closed heart, it is likely to be a sign that they are carrying a lot of pain within them. There is likely to be toxic shame, as well as grief.
And the reason they are likely to be carrying this pain is because of what took place during their childhood years. During this time, they may have experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect.
If someone wants to let go of their false-self and to embrace their true-self, it will be important for them to let go of the pain that is within them and for their inherent worth to be affirmed. As this takes place, they will gradually begin to realise their value and their heart will begin to open.
It will then no longer be necessary for them to use others in order to feel valuable and they won’t see them as objects either. This process is unlikely to happen overnight and it will take courage.
This is why the assistance of a therapist and or a support group is likely to be needed. They will give someone the support they need to go where they probably wouldn’t go by themselves.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.